Done!

Last night was my last clomid pill for the month! I'd like to think that I made it through with little problems, but it seems as if I have to wait and see! I read another person's blog today who had finished hers and then the symptoms started coming up. So.... but really I think maybe I'll get by ok, especially since it was a low dose. I haven't heard from Carylon on whether or not she was able to get me an appt with Dr. Phy or not, but I hope she was able to! My mom asked why we were making the appt already, and I said that we could always cancel if I turn up preggers! Let's hope!! I wish this past month hadn't been so hectic for us. Seriously June flew by, and left me ragged in the dust. We were busy all the time, gone almost every weekend, and hardly had any time to ourselves. I can't wait for July just because we can slow down a little! We have our New York trip to look forward to, but other than that, it's pretty slow! Hooray! Now, if only July could be even better for us.. hmmm... I have some ideas on how that could happen! ;-) We'll continue to pray and enjoy each other. After all, we really are blessed, and the rest is up to God!

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.
-- James 1:12

Who's feeling the clomid side effects?

I have the best husband in the entire world. Really, I do. Now, I know some of you would argue... but you just can't win this one! Darren has been amazing throughout this whole ttc process. He's stood by me through countless negative pregnancy tests, told me that money would not be a worry if we needed to go to doctors and what not, and has reminded me day in and day out how much he wants to be a dad, and how much he loves me. Now, as if I wasn't emotional enough, with the help of my friend clomid I feel like a giant baby! I haven't broken down crying or anything yet... thank goodness. Haha. Darren was sweet at the wedding, and maybe a little tipsy, hehe.. so went on and on to both Leslie and our friend Melissa about how wonderful I was, and how awesome being married was. Maybe it was the atmosphere of the wedding and reception, or the alcohol, lol, but he was super sweet all weekend to me, and well to everyone! I have a great guy! .... I love him.

I still don't have much of an appetite. I think I took about half of what I normally would at lunch and still had to make myself finish it. Tonight is my last pill, so maybe I'll get my appetite back soon! I had a small pain in my ovaries area and texted Carylon about it, so we'll see if she thinks I'm ok or not. It's not bad enough to take meds for, and it's already subsided, but just in case, I'll get a professional opinion! We're now at cd9, so ovulation could happen anytime in the next week! Hooray! I'm taking my temp, so that should help too.

I hate this waiting process, but I have a good feeling! We'll see! =)

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."
1 John 4:18

***Update*** Carylon said the pain was ok since it was so minimal but to keep observing for any increased/prolonged pain or lower back pain.. so far so good! Also, my blood work from Tuesday came back and my progesterone level was good! Hooray! She's working on getting me an appointment with the RE right now, and I asked if I could go see Dr. Phy in Lubbock - who Evan suggested from his rotation. I googled her and she seemed pretty awesome, hehe. So, we're making progress! Baby steps, lol..

Clomid and the wedding cont..

Trey and Leslie are finally hitched! The wedding and receptions yesterday were beautiful and we had tons of fun! I wasn't feeling quite up to snuff the whole time, but I survived! I slept much better after that first night in the hotel room. I also had a slightly larger appetite yesterday than Friday. However still not much! My back was hurting yesterday before the wedding which worried carylon but it was more so the middle of the back, so she said that was ok. My only real problem then has been the hot flashes. They are more like heat waves!!! Ha! Carylon asked about the intercourse, which of course had been non existent since we were sharing a hotel room with family, lol... But luckily last night we had the room to ourselves! I'm glad that I'm totally comfortable with her when discussing things like that, lol.

We are now on our way back to garden city, still, after leaving Houston at 10:30. I'm ready to be home! We took pearl to my dads house for the weekend and she had a great time playing with her brother oso! Now she's sleeping on darrens lap as he drives, ha!

Well, 2 more days of clomid! Tonight and tomorow! Here's hoping the bad symptoms stay away!

Clomid, Houston, and the big day!

This is my first attempt at blogging from my phone! I wanted to keep a journal of how the clomid made me feel each day, and the blog seemed like the easiest thing to do! We are in our hotel room in Houston right now. Wedding is tomorrow!

So anyway, day 1 of clomid: I took my first pill at 9pm Thursday night. I don't know whether it was the travelling or the humid Houston air but I was so tired last night, but it was too hot in our room so I did not sleep well. I kept asking Darren if it was really hot or if it was the meds messing with me! I was slightly dizzy but nothing too horrible. However, all day today I didn't have much of an appetite. I didn't eat breakfast, barely touched my lunch, and ate ok at supper. So I feel a little weak but that's more than likely from not eating!

I took my second pill a little before 9 and so far have not been feeling too bad. It was really hot at the place where we had the rehearsal, but once I got in a/c I felt better. I'm hungry now, but stuck in the hotel room, lol.

Tomorrow is the big day and I hope I feel ok and don't pass out during church or something!! It'll be a really long day as we are supposed to be at the church at 8:30am to start hair... Oye!

Well, hope this iPhone blogger thing works!

Ready and Waiting

Today was cd3, and I went into Carylon's office for my preliminary blood work. The lady who took my blood, since Carylon was not there, said that they were testing my progesterone level. I won't know until early next week since they had to send it off to the lab. Here's what google told me:

Fertility & Progesterone

Progesterone is recognized as a vital female hormone central to successful conception and a healthy pregnancy. The word "progesterone" is itself etymologically related to the Latin root gestare - meaning to bear or carry - suggesting the importance of this hormone in creating a fertile environment for conception and the continuing development of the embryo.

In short, progesterone is a female sex hormone that is secreted by the corpus luteum to prepare the endometrium for implantation of the fertilized egg. Following implantation off the egg, the developing placenta signals the body to produce progesterone and prevent rejection of the developing embryo or fetus. Without this continuuing progesterone production, the endometrium would shed and menstruation would ensue. Therefore, progesterone plays a significant role in reproduction. Thus, progesterone...

• Helps create a fertile, warm environment in the womb and promotes the survival of the fertilized egg through healthy implantation.

• Strengthens and maintains the secretory endometrium which sustains the embryo throughout pregnancy.

• Prevents the premature shedding of the secretory endometrium (menstruation).

As progesterone forestalls the shedding of the endometrium (where embryo implantation occurs), low progesterone levels - or a significant drop in progesterone levels - during the first few weeks of pregnancy may correspond with miscarriage.

Here, progesterone plays a 'secretory’ role in the reproductive organs. It stimulates changes in the uterus and supports pregnancy by increasing blood vessel and tissue development in the endometrium.

Progesterone, Fertility, and Reproduction

During a woman's cycle, progesterone levels rise rapidly at ovulation to provide a fertile environment for the fertilized egg. Here, progesterone is also responsible for the increase in body temperature at ovulation that lasts through most of the luteal phase. Beginning with ovulation, the corpus luteum produces progesterone for several days (and the concomitant temperature increase is in most cases easily measurable through methods of BBT/fertility charting).

If fertilization and implantation take place, the placenta takes over the role signalling progesterone production and in further maintaining a supportive environment for embryonic and fetal development. If fertilization does not occur, progesterone levels fall dramatically (usually after 10-12 days) triggering the shedding of the secretory endometrium (menses).

Because progesterone is essential in preventing the shedding of the secretory endometrium, a significant drop in progesterone levels during the first 10 - 12 weeks of pregnancy may result in a miscarriage.

I don't know what's with the formatting, sorry! Anyway, some good information! Now we wait for cd5 so that I can start clomid! Oh joy! Menopause, here I come! haha..

"I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry." ~Psalms 40:1

11 Strikes and... We're Out.

After 11 cycles of trying on our own, we have now come to the point where medical assistance is necessary, or well, we just don't want to wait any longer so we're going for it, ha. What a wonderful Father's Day present for Darren.... Aunt Flow. Darren mentioned to me how sad he had been all weekend because we were around a lot of our young married friends and their children. We went to our friend Michelle's wedding in St. Lawrence and saw a bunch of babies there. And then of course, Father's Day. I made, with the assistance of my loving mother, a Father's Day card from our "furbabies" to Darren. We put paint on their paws and stuck it on paper, haha. Now they each have one black paw, oops... but it was cute and he said he really liked it. Too bad it couldn't be from his future child! I really didn't think we'd find out this soon whether it was yes or no. My cycle this month was only 27 days, but last month was so screwy, so who knew what was "normal". Now I am trying to get an appointment set up with Carylon because she wanted me in for blood work on day 3, and starting clomid on day 5. That means at the wedding this weekend I will be a hormonal mess. Hot flashes, crying, you name it... should be fun! Not! But, I'm looking forward to Trey & Leslie's wedding, regardless of how I'm feeling.

So, let's hope that medicine can have a little input on mother nature. I hate that it had to come to this, and it really makes my heart hurt. But, little 'ole impatient me has decided that I can't wait any longer. These past 11 months have been hard enough!

Thanks for all the prayers and well wishes.. let's hope that things roll along quickly now!

"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God." ~Psalm 43:5

Superstition

I've always been moderately superstitious. By that I mean that I don't care about spilling the salt, or a black cat walking in my path, but I do care about wishing at 11:11, and I believe in "signs". hehe. All this week my klove's encouraging words have been pretty relevant to what is going on in our lives right now:

From 6/15 - "Let all that I am praise the Lord; may I never forget the good things he does for me. He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases." ~Psalm 103:2-3

From 6/16 - "But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." ~Isaiah 40:31

From today - "So let's not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don't give up." ~Galatians 6:9

Then, stranger enough, last night at Hunan's, the amazing chinese restaurant in Big Spring, Andrea and I both had good and telling fortunes!

Mine: "You will soon witness a miracle."
Andrea's: "Remember three months from this date. Good things are in store for you."

Ok now, that's just awesome, right?! =) I'm hoping that by in 3 months they mean that she'll like be at my sonogram or something, lol... not that it will take 3 months for us to get pregnant, lol. But hey, either way, a baby is a baby and I'll take one! =D hehe.

I'm thinking maybe, just maybe, this month worked. After all, it would mean another March Hillger, and we actually didn't try too hard this month! But, when I think I ovulated should work out with our "trying", hehe. So, let's hope and pray! Plus, my mom will be here starting today through next week, so how awesome would it be if I could tell her I was pregnant in person?! Oh my goodness.... plus it would be a late Father's day present for Darren! hehe.

Moving on, I got to meet Liliana finally! She is the most precious little girl! I had fun getting to talk with Cristina & Evan while I held and rocked their baby girl. She's so sweet, and beautiful! While we were in Lubbock I also got to go play with Emerson! That kid is growing up so fast. He is pulling up on everything, and loves to throw stuff on the ground and follow it up with an "uh-oh!". haha, too cute. I miss all of my Lubbock-ites already!

Mom is coming today! HOORAY! She stopped and spent the night in New Mexico, so should be here this afternoon! I can't wait to have her here for a whole week! I'm so excited!

So say some prayers that my next blog post is all about feeling pregnant, hehe...

Be Happy That...

I'm glad that I work fast, because I shouldn't be reading blogs/writing my own blog at work. Oops! ;-) Oh well. I stumbled across this post on Busted Plumbing today from her archives. It made me realize that I need to count my blessings today, so I'm going to share with you my own "Be happy that...". Because no matter how tired I am right now, or stressed, or how much I am sad that I won't see my husband for 5 days, there is still something to smile about! Please feel free to comment with your own! =D

Be happy that... I have the most amazing husband in the whole world.
Be happy that... I get to meet Liliana really soon!
Be happy that... Pearl has not eaten the kitties yet ;-)
Be happy that... God knows his plan for me!
Be happy that... I am going on a dinner/movie date with my Britni tonight, hehe
Be happy that... My mom is coming to visit next week for a WHOLE week!
Be happy that... My grandparents are still in ok health, and we get to see them in a month!
Be happy that... Marcus got $7000 in scholarships today for his awesomeness!
Be happy that... I have a house to live in, clothes on my body, running water, food to eat, shelter from the sun and weather, a job to pay bills
Be happy that... It has only been almost a year of trying, not 10 years
Be happy that... I'm getting my first sister-in-law in two weeks!
Be happy that... God is awesome and he loves us so much!
Be happy that... My family and friends are healthy and happy
Be happy that... I really do have an amazing life.

I could probably go on for all eternity. Come to think of it, I am feeling TONS better now! I was so "blah" before, for lack of a better word, and now I'm ready to face the day and bring on the rest of my life!

So thanks Kate, from Busted Plumbing (who is healthy and pregnant after 5 years of trying, Praise God!). You made my day a lot better!

"Oh give thanks to the Lord; call upon His name;
make known His deeds among the peoples!
Sing to Him, sing praises to Him;
tell of all His wondrous works!" ~Psalm 105: 1-2

Game Plan

Ok, I talked to Carylon tonight, and after talking with Darren a bunch we have come up with our game plan...

This month we're going to play it cool, hope with all our might that we get pregnant to avoid the future measures, and just relax and regroup.... count our pennies, stop spending frivolous money, see where we stand.. yada yada. Starting on the 3rd day of my cycle next month I will go to Carylon's office for blood work. They will check my progesterone level, thyroid, and something else I don't remember. On day 5 I will start clomid and take it through day 9 I believe. From there we will see what happens that month! The major risk with clomid is hyperstimulation Carylon said. Ok now, hopefully Evan doesn't make fun of me too much because I'm likely going to get this all jumbled up, hehe, but anyway, she said that it meant that my ovaries could produce too many follicles, in which case they could cause my ovaries to expand and possibly rupture. This also means that I could produce more than one egg, meaning chance of multiples, and that also there was a higher risk for miscarriage. At this stage in the game we are ok with all of that. Although it's not ideal we are just ready to try something. After that I will go to the RE. I'll probably end up going to one in Lubbock because Carylon really doesn't like the one in Odessa. Fine by me because then I'd get to see my family and friends, except for more costly because of gas/time from work... Carylon said she rather wait and have Darren's sperm analysis done later because a) we're almost 100% positive it's an issue with my body and b) an RE will really know what they're looking for and can give us the most explanation rather than a urologist. Carylon seems to think that the approach we are taking is best. She thinks a month on clomid and then going to the RE will be best for us both emotionally and financially. She realizes our complete desire to have a kid as soon as we can, lol, and knows that her office can only offer us so much. It is so great to have her to go to for advice and what not. She's been awesome. Actually, every single person who knows about us has been amazing... I, no WE, are truly blessed to have such amazing people in our lives.

In the mean time we'll continue to be incredibly in love, desperately wanting a little one, and just praising His name for all of the other blessings in our lives. Thank you for your prayers, and keep sending them our way! ;-)

"Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need." ~Hebrews 4:16

Hold My Heart

One of my new favorite songs.....

Tenth Avenue North - Hold My Heart

How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will you turn to me?

One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
Cuz I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will you run to me?

One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't sleep but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.

Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?
Hold my heart

June...

June is here. Which means it has now been over 10 months of trying with no success. It also means that it's hotter than Hades around here, Shorts are a must, Trey & Leslie's wedding is right around the corner, and I get to meet Liliana soon! This summer is so busy for us, but in a good way! I just got home from New Braunfels where we had Leslie's bachelorette party. It was tons of fun! I'm exhausted now, but in the best way possible! Her maid-of-honor did a great job of making it the best weekend for everyone there! It was a blast! Now, to recover! ;-)

Carylon and I are going to be talking more soon about what our next step is, and what we need to do. I don't think we'll be able to start clomid this month because you're supposed to take it on like day 7 of your cycle, which is past now. However, maybe since my cycles are long I'll be able to... we'll see! I'm just ready to start trying something!

Looking at the calendar, if we were to get pregnant this month our baby would be due in March. All Hillger's (practically, haha!) are born in March! So that would be awesome! Let's see, there is Darren, Scotty, Dana, Justin, Brian, Pearl.... hopefully I didn't forget someone! But it's a Hillger birthday month no less! So that would be neat! I just hope and pray that maybe we do get pregnant this month because it would be on our own... and that would make me feel so much better about the future!

Well, I'm going to shower and go to bed! It's been a long weekend and the sun has taken a toll on my energy level! By the way, it's 9pm and still 98 degrees outside. That's just wrong! Glad I'm not super duper pregnant, hehehe.... well.... actually... I'd take that! ;-)

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." ~Psalms 139:13-16