The Road Ahead

Well folks, it looks like we may be in for a long haul. I spoke with Carylon the other day about what she thought was going on with me medically, and she gave me her advice on what we should do next. She said that she believes I am having anovulatory cycles every month. I get a period, but am not ovulating. If you don't ovulate, you can't make a baby! We are trying to determine what to do right now. Carylon suggested that we start by taking clomid:

"Clomid is the most well-known fertility drug, probably because it is the most commonly used. And with good reason. About 25% of female factor infertility involves a problem with ovulation, and clomiphene citrate, as a fertility drug, is easy to use (taken as a pill, not an injection), with not too many side effects, is pretty inexpensive compared to other fertility drugs, and is effective in stimulating ovulation 80% of the time." -- I found this online.

They said that you are not supposed to take clomid for longer than a 6 month period, for whatever reason. We (Darren and I) think that we would like to start clomid right away, and then see if Carylon's main doctor, Dr. Byerly, will do preliminary lab work. If not then we are going to get Carylon to recommend us to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). The problem with the RE is that they are expensive. She told us that our initial visit with the RE would be for a bunch of lab work, a semen analysis on Darren, and that it would cost around $1500. We have a $5000 deductible on our insurance... that means that is all out of pocket! =/ Fortunately we have been putting away a savings bucket all year with my income, so we should be ok... it just sucks. There is an RE in Odessa, Lubbock, or San Antonio that Carylon recommends. The San Antonio one is more for when things get serious and we really know there is a problem. For now we will either go to Odessa or Lubbock, depending on what Dr. Byerly will do. If Dr. Byerly will do preliminary tests then maybe we can just go to the RE afterwards. The RE will still have to re-do the labs, but maybe we could just get some sort of understanding.

I'm so scared about all of this. I am glad to finally know something, and am anxious to start trying to get help, however, I don't want to go and them tell me, "oh yeah, you're never going to be able to have children". Or, I don't want to try for years and then try invitro, and still have no success. I seriously applaud Carylon and Brian for still being such amazing people throughout their whole process. They have the most amazing little girl, that was God's gift to them after trying for forever, and failed adoptions. They are so inspiring. Carylon has been amazing through this. She told me Saturday that if I ever needed anything that she was there for me. It was so nice to hear. I know that I have others who I go to a lot (my mom, Cristina, Andrea), but medically it was just nice to know she was a phone call away. Heck, I'll probably put Evan's medical knowledge to use too! ;-)

I just pray that God will recognize how much we want to be parents, and how ready and willing we are to accept children in to our lives. We understand that this may be a long journey, and although that is scary we know that we will have God with us every step of the way.

So, please keep us in your prayers, and I'll keep updating on our process!

"But Lord, be merciful to us, for we have waited for you. Be our strong arm each day and our salvation in times of trouble." ~ Isaiah 33:2

Rough Week

It's been a while since my last post, probably because I've been out of it all week. I had my wisdom teeth removed on Monday, and what they don't tell you is how hard the anesthesia is going to kick your butt! Maybe it was just me, but I'm still drowsy and just flat out dragging. It's hard for me to concentrate for a long time at work because the computer screen puts me to sleep, haha. My teeth for the most part don't hurt anymore. The left side is still giving me some trouble and I have yet to eat really solid food. I managed to not lose weight during the ordeal... probably had something to do with the 2 bowls of ice cream I eat every day. ;-)

On Tuesday I started what I guess will be my period for this month..... I took 3 pregnancy tests leading up to my surgery because I was afraid if I was indeed pregnant and then went through anesthesia that it would be a very bad thing. They all came back negative of course so I went ahead with it. Tuesday's start and what has continued has been not normal, but I guess when it starts on day 35 of your "cycle", nothing is normal! I'm bummed, but mostly upset that this means we need to start talking about setting up an appointment with a fertility specialist. Carylon said that at one year we need to see someone, and well, it's been 10 months now. I don't know how far ahead you have to set these appointments, so I am talking with Carylon now about who she recommends that I go see. Not fun. I just wish it would happen already, but it looks as if it's not going to on it's own. Dang it!!!!!

Moving on to something better.... LILIANA WAS BORN! On May 21 Liliana decided to make her appearance in this world! We could not be happier for Cristina & Evan! She is precious! We can't wait to meet her, and hold her, and spoil her... hehe. Not like she hasn't had plenty of that already!

Well, I will write about what Carylon and I decide to do - what the next step will be. Please pray for us!

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."
~Romans 8:28

Test #1

I tested this morning, on the 31st day after my period, because nothing had happened physically yet. No sign of pregnancy and no sign of my period. I got a negative. Honestly I wanted to just stay home all day and not deal with anything, but some small glimmer of hope inside of me thinks that nothing means nothing until I get my period, so to not give up yet. Right? Well, wishful thinking probably.. More than likely mother nature will arrive, in perfect timing for me to be cooped up in bed recovering from my wisdom teeth removal. At my pre-op consult appointment today they asked if I was pregnant, and I had to respond "No". That hurt. If I turn up preggers I am canceling that appointment Monday! ha!

In other news, Pearl tried to make this even more of a worse day by drinking some spilled bug spray. Way to go, Pearl! She vomited four times, but then we gave her milk and she was better. She's been fine ever since, thank goodness. My mother is wonderful and helped us through it by looking up things online and giving her vet opinion. Oye.... as if I wanted something like that to happen! I don't know what I'd do if poor Pearl got sick! =(

Oh, I almost forgot! Seems as if Liliana wants to make her appearance sooner than her due date! Cristina went for her checkup yesterday and was already dilated and 100% effaced! Her doctor joked that some women at 40 weeks would kill for her cervix, lol. So, unfortunately they won't be making a trip to Garden City this weekend, but we totally understand! I just hope Liliana waits until after my surgery, because I definitely want to go up to Lubbock to see her when she's born! =) She'll be one beautiful baby!

Found this fun read on busted plumbing's archives today. She has such a funny way of putting things that actually do go through my head!

Here's to hoping something happens soon...... I might go crazy.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
~Galatians 6:9

God's Plan

Let me tell you a little story, about how Darren and I were meant to be together... I know, awww... Seriously though, I just felt like sharing this today when I'm doing a little soul searching to determine where God's plan is going to take us next!

~ First, Darren and I were both born in Midland Memorial Hospital, and delivered by the SAME doctor... 2 and a half years apart no less.
~ We had the same pediatrician growing up
~ We grew up less than 30 minutes from each other, attended the same dances and parties at church, played on the same playgrounds, hung out with some of the same kids, went on field trips to the same places..
~ We babysat the same kids, at different times of course
~ I moved off to Dallas and San Antonio but kept in touch with my good friend Melissa from Greenwood - which hardly ever happens, but this was a necessity to carry out the rest of the plan!
~ After getting in to 3 Universities I decided to attend A&M, the one school who didn't give me any scholarships
~ Darren and I met before school even started, and the day we met was the same day that my horse Nancy passed away. My mom claims that I was losing one love and gaining another on the same day.

Now I know that it may not seem that crazy, but to us it is so neat to see how everything lined up for us to meet. Since the day we saw each other we knew that we had met our soulmates.... cheesy, I know... but really and truly, it was all a part of God's plan. I am so blessed to have Darren in my life. I don't know where I'd be without him!

All of these crazy realizations came later in life of course, in fact we didn't know about the whole OB thing until right before our wedding when my mom was talking to Darren's mom! However, we're pretty proud of it, and I just felt like sharing!

Now, I wish I could see right now what God has in store for us. I'm just praying it doesn't involve any long struggles! We shall see!

"A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps."
~ Proverbs 16:9

Not Feeling It

Well, nothing has happened yet to give me a definite negative, but I am just not feeling it. Darren claims that maybe this time it is going to be positive because in the past when I have "felt it" I've been negative. So... we shall see! I have zero symptoms so far though, which just makes me think that my body is finally relaxed enough to not freak out like I have before and give me fake symptoms, but is not in fact preggers. I dunno! It's in God's hands... I keep telling myself that!

In other news... Pearl continues to grow and make us love her more and more (and at times wanna kill her, lol!). She already knows how to "sit", and we're learning "come" and "shake". I really thought Cristina's brother Danny was not going to give her back to me this weekend! We went up to Lubbock for Cristina's law school graduation (YAY CRISTINA!) and brought little miss Pearl along! She did great in the car and in all of the other places we brought her to! She's a trooper! This weekend was so much fun, and so nice to spend time with Cristina & Evan, and Jenna, McLain and Emerson! Emerson is getting so big! He does his version of crawling, which I call an army crawl, lol, and pulls up and stands like a champ... but we're not interested in walking quite yet! He's only 11 months old tomorrow, so I guess it's not too shabby!

Side note.. It's raining right now. I love afternoon thunderstorms in west texas!

Well, I'll be testing soon, so I'll keep everyone updated! Probably won't test until Thursday or Friday, but we'll see if I have anything/anyone "tell" me otherwise! ;-)

"We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield."
~ Psalm 33:20

Fun Times

Lately I have been super relaxed, and enjoying life! I have not had time to worry about charting, what day it is, when I'm supposed to start, etc etc... instead I have been focusing my time and energy on having fun, enjoying time with my husband and our ADORABLE puppy Pearl! She is so much fun! We spend all of our time with her now. Thank goodness it's getting nice outside, minus the wind and extreme heat! We love her to pieces even though she can be a handful at times! I'm pretty sure this is preparing us for parenthood, lol. My father-in-law suggested that maybe this will get my "motherly juices" going.... take that however you might like to, lol.

Well, let's see, if I was caring about things then we should be finding out in about a week or so. But like I said, I dropped the charting this month after about the second week because we were getting up at different times with Pearl, and then we were out of town, so there's no telling when I ovulated. We just made sure to have our bases covered! ;-)

Praying for our miracle, but knowing that it is IN GOD'S HANDS... Not mine!

“From the fullness of grace we have received one blessing after another” - John 1:16

A to Z!

I'm stealing this from Cristina's blog, because it seemed like a fun thing to do... plus our computer program for work is being reallllly slow, and making me angry! So, I'm going to pass the time!

A - Z Survey

A: Area Code: I have a 210 - San Antonio - still, because I won't give up AT&T and I love my iPhone, haha... but Darren has a 432 - Midland area, which is what I probably should have!

B: Bed Size: We have a queen and I love it. I wouldn't want bigger. We stayed in a hotel once with a king bed and joked around by asking each other if we could "come into your country?" when we wanted to snuggle, haha.

C: Chore you Hate: Laundry, laundry, laundry.... it seems like no matter how many loads I do there is always more waiting. And I never want to put it away even though I hate wrinkles, so half of the time it is sprawled out on our guest bed for a week, haha.

D: Dog's Name: Clara Pearl! She's adorable and we love her so much already! She's definitely getting to be a spoiled little girl too! Puppies are so much fun!

E: Essential "Start the Day" Item: Chocolate milk! Haha, I drink a glass every morning - made with whole milk! Yummy!

F: Favorite Color: Cranberry red. I used it in our wedding and now it is all over my bedroom and some of the rest of the house. It's close to maroon too, which is a plus! Whoop!

G: Gold or Silver: White gold! haha.. I guess I like silver because I wear it more, but really I don't care.

H: Height: 5'6", which is way shorter than my brothers, but I'm way taller than all of the Hillger women!

I: Instruments you Play: Clarinet, and I try to play piano. I know how to read music but I don't know the right hand positions, so I just make it up. haha, it still sounds good to me!

J: Job: General Business Manager at Eco-Drip Irrigation. I do the taxes, handle accounts payable and receivable, and fix other people's problems/mess-ups. It's fun!

K: Kids: Not yet... but man, I hope there are some soon! I want 4 so we need to get busy! ;-)

L: Living Arrangements: I live with my wonderful husband in a house built in the 1940's, which makes for some interesting problems. We also have our puppy now! We never lived together before we were married, which I agree with Cristina was a good idea.

N: Nickname: KK, DD (my brothers have called me that ever since they were little), and of course Hunny... that's all that Darren and I call each other.

M: Mom's Name: Margaret Merle, hehehe.. she'll kill me. We call her Meg, and she's awesome!

O: Overnight Hospital Stay: Um? Never? When I was born? I've been lucky to not have to go to the hospital for long!

P: Pet Peeve: Lying, Arrogance, Darren cracking his wrists, lol...

Q: Quote From a Movie: "Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine" - Rick on Casablanca. One of my favorite movies! Such a classic... and I'm such a sap. lol.

R: Righty or Lefty: Righty. It makes life very easy. My dad is lefty, but none of us kids are... does it skip a generation?

S: Siblings: 2 little farts of brothers, Adam 18 and Ross 21. Then I have 2 brother-in-laws, Trey and Kevin, and my adopted siblings Britni and Marcus. I also have two step-sisters, Rae & Lindsay, and a step-brother Dustin. Whew!

T: Time you Wake Up: Depends. On week days either I get up at 7 so that I can shower, or I get up at 7:30 when I just pull my hair back. On weekends I sleep as late as I can get away with!

U: Underwear: Victoria's Secret only! I prefer the pink collection! ;-)

V: Veggies you Dislike: I can't name them all... lol.. mostly funky ones. I'll eat the normal ones. =)

W: Ways/ Reasons you are Late: Woke up late, had to take Pearl out to pee (lol, nowadays), turned cell phone alarm off instead of hitting snooze. hehe..

X: X-Rays you've Had: I broke my femur when I was a baby, so a lot then.. 8th grade I pulled a ligament in my foot so had that x-rayed, and then almost 2 years ago I fell off a horse and fractured my pelvis. They gave me a million x-rays for that, but I'm convinced it's because they didn't know what they were doing.

Y: Yummy Food you Make:I love my chicken enchiladas. I make them with cream cheese and they are sooo good!

Z: Zoo Animals you Like: I always love to see the zebras, and giraffes. I do not like monkey's, birds, or anything that smells really bad. lol...

Mother's Day

This Sunday is Mother's Day. I am so blessed to have both my mother in my life, and my mother-in-law, who is like another mom to me. Both are such amazing women, both inspirational, both kind-hearted.... the list goes on and on. I am going to celebrate this mothers day as a doggy-momma, and I am ok with that. Pearl has found her home in Garden City and we are so excited to have her with us! She is the cutest damn thing ever! It's just like raising a baby... puppies seriously are the same in my book as newborns! Except newborns tend to not bite your toes! ;-) Pearl is easing us in to parenthood, and winning our hearts over more and more each day. This must be what it's like to be a mom. I'm not (going to try) going to let it get me down that I am not an actual mother yet. Instead I will celebrate the wonderful women in my life and thank the good Lord for all of the blessings he has given us. I found this on a blog:

Live for the moment and appreciate the day. You may not be a mom yet, but you most likely have your mom, your aunt(s), and maybe even your grandmother(s) to love and be grateful for. Be joyful for all of the women who have been ‘motherly’ to you. And celebrate yourself for all those you are ‘motherly’ to (nieces, nephews, furbabies, students, patients, etc.); you mean a LOT to them. Acknowledge that and smile. Perhaps next year, you will finally celebrate this upcoming holiday with a baby (or two)!

Woo hoo, she mentioned furbabies! =) Our little Pearl is definitely a furbaby! lol... Love it.

I'll post pictures of the little stinker in her new home later! Right now she is sleeping in my office, being such a good little girl!

Happy Mother's Day to my mom's and grandmother's... You mean the world to me!

"Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you"
~Exodus 20:12

Laughter is the best medicine

One of my new favorite blogs is called Busted Plumbing (see side for link). She's a very funny writer, and although a bit out there at times, still keeps me coming back for more of her entries! Since I just found it I've been reading some of her old ones, and came across this gem! Holy moly I thought I was going to cry laughing because all of what she wrote was so true, well, in my perspective. It made for a nice afternoon laugh.

Have I mentioned how great it feels that my in-laws know now? Seriously.... it's amazing. My mom2 has been so supportive, like always.

In other news, Brian & Jessica found out that they are having a boy! More boys in the Hillger family... who'da thunk it? So, now we're hoping maybe we can still be the ones to have the first girl (in some parallel universe where we have a girl instead of a boy, or where we get pregnant before someone else gets pregnant again!). We're still relaxed, having fun, and enjoying each other. But, still waiting and yearning for a little one of our own. Bleh.

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God."
~ 1 John 4:7