Revelations

Well, we're not pregnant. My period came on Thursday which signified that we were 100%, without a doubt, not pregnant this go around. It broke my heart. I mean, I pretty much knew that I wasn't, but I was still holding on to a glimmer of hope that the tests were taken too early, or something - anything.

My mom was a big help in overcoming this last month's let down. Every month since August has been a let down, but this one was just worse. Carylon told us that it could have been that my egg was fertilized, but that it did not attach. Also, she took my cycles from the last 6 months and found out that I have, on average, a 33 day cycle. So, now we know that I most likely ovulate later than normal, more around 16-20 days, than 14 days. If I'm going to continue to test then I should test for longer through my cycle to finally get a positive opk. My mom thinks that I should give up on the testing and charting and just relax and let what happen, happen. I am not sure if my type-a personality will allow that, but we'll see. Darren and I are going to discuss it and see whether we want to try it that way or not.

The last thing my mom said that really hit home was that everything in my life that I have wanted, I have worked hard for and eventually obtained. However, she said, I cannot work hard and achieve this one. It just doesn't work that way. If it is going to happen, it will happen. There is nothing I can do to change that. It made me really upset when I read that - more so, I just realized she was right, and that it sucked. I thought that the charting and testing this past month was really going to help because we would be certain that we had sex during ovulation. All other months we have been consistent, but never really knew if what we did made a difference, so to speak. So, we'll see what Darren and I decide is the best course of action for us.

Cristina also helped me a great deal by telling me her and Evan's story of their life leading up to her finding out she was pregnant. It was so nice to hear that I was not alone in some of my feelings, and, just nice to have someone else to talk to about everything. It's hard to not be sharing this with everyone, but I know when we do find out that we're pregnant and we tell everyone, that it will be an awesome memory.

Anyway, Darren was gone this weekend, which was really hard for me, seeing as I'm super bummed right now, but I spent all of my time with Andrea and Britni. That made it a lot better! This week we're leaving for Lubbock on Friday to visit Tech with Marcus, and to help with the Tech Equestrian Team's Western Show. It will be a nice break from everything, and we know we won't be ovulating then, lol, so that'll be ok. ;-)

Thank you again to those that helped me through this week, including my awesome husband. It would have been a LOT more difficult without you!

"Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer." ~ Psalm 4:1