Thursday, February 18, 2010

Brutally Honest

Tonight I'm feeling sorry for myself. I think my emotions have taken over, either that or I really am beginning to pms. Either way, with the combination of Darren leaving for the weekend, and me still not being pregnant, I am not a happy camper. I don't know if I'll word everything in a kind-hearted manner, so please forgive me.

I nearly started crying tonight when Nancy showed us Brian and Jessica's first sonogram picture. Now, don't get me wrong, I am totally happy for them, and can't wait for them to be parents and meet their little one. But right now, that was the last thing that I wanted to see or be reminded of. They're going to have a baby, and we are not - yet. It's just like when your younger sibling gets something that you wanted, and you try to be happy for them, but you just can't help but be jealous. Why did they get it and you didn't?

I hate when I feel this way, especially when I feel jealous. I should only be happy for them, and know that our time will come. I just don't want to deal with it today.

Then I think.... Kristen, you're such a jerk. There are people in this world who try to get pregnant for years and years, and there are those that can't even conceive a child on their own. Who am I to feel deprived by any means because it has been six going on seven months and we're not pregnant yet?! Carylon reminded me that it does take the average couple nine months to conceive their first go around. I guess it's just hard because those close to me have not had trouble getting pregnant, and all of them were pregnant on their first try. Then the statistics change, and I become the one that is the outlier.

Like my title said, brutally honest... I hate feeling this way, and hate that this is really my only outlet. I need to learn to cope with my jealousies and insecurities, and to give it all to God. He will tell us when it is time (Please, God, let there be a time). He will take care of us.

In the mean time, I'll sit here and mope, and try to kick myself in the butt for feeling this way. Maybe some sleep will help.

“Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. (Hebrews 11:1)”

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