Round 7

I'm not going to lie - I'm nervous. As we embark on what I like to call "Round 7", I can't help but hope and pray that this is it! We decided since I already ordered more ovulation tests to continue the bbt and opk for one more round, hoping that it at least gives us an understanding of how my body works, if nothing else. We're still going to keep it fun though, and not stress ourselves. I say we're going to, but let's face it, I am most likely still going to worry and wonder, and all of those other terrible traits that I have. But hey, one cool thing is that if we are pregnant we could have a Thanksgiving baby! Wouldn't it be nice to almost always have off on your birthday? No matter if that is school or work?! Plus, we'd have a baby not long after our 3 year wedding anniversary, and that is kinda neat. Still wish we were due in May - but ya know, God has other plans!

See - don't you like my laid back attitude? Baby steps people, hehe, no pun intended.

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose hope is the LORD." ~Jeremiah 17:7

Revelations

Well, we're not pregnant. My period came on Thursday which signified that we were 100%, without a doubt, not pregnant this go around. It broke my heart. I mean, I pretty much knew that I wasn't, but I was still holding on to a glimmer of hope that the tests were taken too early, or something - anything.

My mom was a big help in overcoming this last month's let down. Every month since August has been a let down, but this one was just worse. Carylon told us that it could have been that my egg was fertilized, but that it did not attach. Also, she took my cycles from the last 6 months and found out that I have, on average, a 33 day cycle. So, now we know that I most likely ovulate later than normal, more around 16-20 days, than 14 days. If I'm going to continue to test then I should test for longer through my cycle to finally get a positive opk. My mom thinks that I should give up on the testing and charting and just relax and let what happen, happen. I am not sure if my type-a personality will allow that, but we'll see. Darren and I are going to discuss it and see whether we want to try it that way or not.

The last thing my mom said that really hit home was that everything in my life that I have wanted, I have worked hard for and eventually obtained. However, she said, I cannot work hard and achieve this one. It just doesn't work that way. If it is going to happen, it will happen. There is nothing I can do to change that. It made me really upset when I read that - more so, I just realized she was right, and that it sucked. I thought that the charting and testing this past month was really going to help because we would be certain that we had sex during ovulation. All other months we have been consistent, but never really knew if what we did made a difference, so to speak. So, we'll see what Darren and I decide is the best course of action for us.

Cristina also helped me a great deal by telling me her and Evan's story of their life leading up to her finding out she was pregnant. It was so nice to hear that I was not alone in some of my feelings, and, just nice to have someone else to talk to about everything. It's hard to not be sharing this with everyone, but I know when we do find out that we're pregnant and we tell everyone, that it will be an awesome memory.

Anyway, Darren was gone this weekend, which was really hard for me, seeing as I'm super bummed right now, but I spent all of my time with Andrea and Britni. That made it a lot better! This week we're leaving for Lubbock on Friday to visit Tech with Marcus, and to help with the Tech Equestrian Team's Western Show. It will be a nice break from everything, and we know we won't be ovulating then, lol, so that'll be ok. ;-)

Thank you again to those that helped me through this week, including my awesome husband. It would have been a LOT more difficult without you!

"Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer." ~ Psalm 4:1

Brutally Honest

Tonight I'm feeling sorry for myself. I think my emotions have taken over, either that or I really am beginning to pms. Either way, with the combination of Darren leaving for the weekend, and me still not being pregnant, I am not a happy camper. I don't know if I'll word everything in a kind-hearted manner, so please forgive me.

I nearly started crying tonight when Nancy showed us Brian and Jessica's first sonogram picture. Now, don't get me wrong, I am totally happy for them, and can't wait for them to be parents and meet their little one. But right now, that was the last thing that I wanted to see or be reminded of. They're going to have a baby, and we are not - yet. It's just like when your younger sibling gets something that you wanted, and you try to be happy for them, but you just can't help but be jealous. Why did they get it and you didn't?

I hate when I feel this way, especially when I feel jealous. I should only be happy for them, and know that our time will come. I just don't want to deal with it today.

Then I think.... Kristen, you're such a jerk. There are people in this world who try to get pregnant for years and years, and there are those that can't even conceive a child on their own. Who am I to feel deprived by any means because it has been six going on seven months and we're not pregnant yet?! Carylon reminded me that it does take the average couple nine months to conceive their first go around. I guess it's just hard because those close to me have not had trouble getting pregnant, and all of them were pregnant on their first try. Then the statistics change, and I become the one that is the outlier.

Like my title said, brutally honest... I hate feeling this way, and hate that this is really my only outlet. I need to learn to cope with my jealousies and insecurities, and to give it all to God. He will tell us when it is time (Please, God, let there be a time). He will take care of us.

In the mean time, I'll sit here and mope, and try to kick myself in the butt for feeling this way. Maybe some sleep will help.

“Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. (Hebrews 11:1)”

Right time, Wrong time

I wish there was a distinctly defined (redundant, oh well) right time to become pregnant. More so, I wish that when it was the right time that your body instantly knew that it was and you became pregnant! Maybe there is, and maybe my body is saying this is not it. Either way, I wish it would hurry up and give me an answer... patience - man, that has become the theme of this blog, hasn't it?

I was thinking about natural family planning, what the church teaches us, and how it may be good for some, and not for others. First off, when we went through our classes, our lady told us that it was ok if we didn't go through nfp because really you should only have kids, or attempt to have kids, when you are fully ready. Nfp is no guarantee, by any means. Some people have great success with it, as you get in tune with your body and your cycle. However, for someone like me it would most likely fail! Haha... Me, with no apparent regularity to my cycles, would most likely be lost and not know what to do. Luckily for us, we had our own choices on how to plan our family, until August when we decided it was time to start trying.

As I've mentioned in a previous post, I'm glad that we waited as long as we did before we started trying. It really was so wonderful for us to be able to grow together emotionally and spiritually as a married couple - husband and wife - just the two of us. Again, I know that's not for everyone, but for us it was truly wonderful.

I have definitely gone off on a tangent of sorts, so I apologize. I just hope our children know how much they were wanted and loved before they were even born.

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born, I consecrated you…” – Jeremiah 1:5

Big...Fat...Negative.

I'm beginning to really dislike digital pregnancy tests. You take them, wait 3 minutes, and then the nice little screen comes up and tells you exactly what you don't want to hear: "Not Pregnant". I mean, couldn't they be a little more sensitive? Like, say, "Sorry Charlie", or "Try Again Next Time", kinda like a magic eight ball? ;-) Ok, maybe that was a stretch. I know there are people in the world who take pregnancy tests and sigh with such huge relief when that test comes back negative. In some ways that makes me sad, but I understand that people are always at different points in their lives... Babies are a gift from God, but they definitely are not for everyone, lol.

We thought this time was really the time. I felt pregnant - I guess. I mean, I don't know what that feels like unfortunately! My mom had a dream that I got pregnant in February last year. She even thought this was the time. And, maybe it will turn out to be.... I'm still jumping the gun in my opinion and Carylon, my obgyn and awesome aunt-extraordinaire, says that it could be possible that I ovulated late, and therefor my body has not had time to produce enough of the hcg hormone to register positive on a pregnancy test. So, we'll wait for either my period to come, or I'll go in and do a blood test. So, right now, we just sit and wait. Man, God is really testing this patience thing, huh?

Darren continues to be amazing throughout this process. I hate to call it a process. I'll rephrase to say "journey". Just as we will eventually begin a journey to parenthood, so must we take a journey to get to that point! I have some amazing friends who have been supportive as well, both are pregnant, and I am so happy for them! Cristina and Kimberly are two awesome women, and will be/are awesome moms! It's been nice to have someone to talk to besides my mom and Darren. We are still keeping it a secret to everyone else though - so when you all eventually read this, you can get mad at me then! ;-)

In other news, we're already considering moving! Haha... I told Darren that I don't know if we can survive through another winter in this old house. Well, we probably could, but our pocketbooks would not. The insulation is terrible. Oh, and then there is the fact that propane, which is what our heater and water heater are on, is now 2.60 a gallon. 100 gallons lasts about 3 weeks, if you don't run the heater all that much. That gets to be pretty expensive! Darren's childhood friend, Tyler, and his family moved to Burnett about 4 years ago. There house was sold to a man here who barely lived in it, and just recently he resold the house to Melissa's Uncle, who live right across the street from Eco-Drip. He told us that he bought the land and house to rent out - PERFECT! It's a 2 story, big house, a lot more modern than this one, on about 70 acres set back from the highway. Oh, and right across from work! How nice would that be? We'd have plenty of room for all of our eventual babies! More than one bathroom and no propane heater is all I needed to hear! We'll see how much it will cost, and then determine if we can afford to move. In the mean time we will be saving as much as we can to start building our dream house in 5-7 years.

Well, I should get going - this one has been lengthy!

"Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed."
Proverbs 16:3

Valentine's Day and Faith

This weekend was Valentine's day, and although I was in Wichita Falls with Britni, Andrea, and Jessi for most of the time, it was still nice to come home yesterday to my amazing husband. Red roses and a beautiful heart necklace charm awaited me when I finally got home. Darren and I had a lovely meal together and enjoyed celebrating our 6th valentine's together - our 3rd married one. We couldn't help but hope the entire time that this was our last Valentine's as just the two of us.

I had some early symptoms of what could either be pregnancy or pms at the end of last week, and they are still here. I'm hoping with all of my might that they are pregnancy signs and not pms! What a bummer that would be! However, an early test Saturday morning came back negative. We're hoping that it was just still too soon. It's been really hard because all of my charting and testing really didn't tell us much. Plus, my cycle is very irregular, making all more difficult. We tried very hard to just stay relaxed and have fun, but it was just so hard when we've been wanting this for a while now. I will most likely be testing either tomorrow or Wednesday morning, if mother nature doesn't make an appearance before that. We'll see.

Patience.... Faith.... Hope....

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything; tell God your needs, and don't forget to thank Him for His answers. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will keep your thoughts and your hearts quiet and at rest as you trust in Christ." Philippians 4:6-7

Babies all around us

Last year it felt like everyone we knew was expecting. This year is turning out to be the same way! We are anxiously awaiting the arrival of Cristina and Evan's baby girl Liliana in June, and we just found out yesterday that Darren's cousin Brian and his wife Jessica are expecting their first baby in October! I also have a friend Kimberly who is expecting her second in July! There are some other friends who are also pregnant, or trying to get pregnant, and we pray for all of the expectant mothers, and hopeful mothers out there - including ourselves! We're hoping all of this baby fever catches on and spreads our direction! Hopefully we'll find out soon!

“Children too are a gift from the LORD, the fruit of the womb, a reward.” – Psalm 127:3

Waiting is the hardest part

Right now I am definitely having some problems making myself relax and just wait. It's so frustrating! I would like to know RIGHT NOW whether or not we were able to get pregnant this month. Patience is a virtue, and I don't have a lot of it right now. haha. I guess a lot of people are like that when they're anxiously awaiting the news... will we get a BFP (Big Fat Positive) or not?!

I want so bad to know, spread the good news, and start preparing for the next 9 months, and then the rest of our lives!

"Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD." ~Psalm 27:14