The Story Of Us

I thought that I would take a moment away from "Baby Hillger" and focus on us for a bit. I've always wanted to have a written record of what I like to call our story, so that one day when we're old and forgetful, we'll remember how we got to where we are today! This may be long, and I'm going to try to include relevant pictures, so here we go!

First off, I've already talked about God's plan, and how Darren was put on this earth specifically for me. I truly believe that. So, God knew all along where I would go to college and why.... I met Darren before my freshman year of A&M even started. I moved in to the dorms a week before classes began in August. My best friend from second grade was already living in College Station, so called to see if I wanted to hang out with her. Of course I did! I was all alone in my dorm room and didn't know anyone, duh... haha. So, she picked me up and we went over to where her boyfriend was at, which just so happened to be Darren's house. We walked in and went to Darren's bedroom where all of the guys were. They were watching remote controlled airplane videos, which I thought was a little dorky, but ok! I don't even remember if they introduced us at that point or not, but either way, we went and played tennis. The main thing I remember is thinking Darren was pretty dang cute! After that night we began talking here and there, mostly when I would hang out with Mo and Keith. Then one night we went to a concert together by Phil Pritchett at Hurricane Harry's. We went back to Melissa's townhouse and played drinking games. When it came time to go to sleep they stuck Darren and I together on the pull out couch. All innocent keep in mind! We ended up talking for a while, and each of us kept inching our hand closer to the other until Darren finally grabbed my hand. One thing led to another and we ended up kissing and snuggling the rest of the night. The next day I was so scared that he had just done all of that because we were drinking. I really liked him and was hoping that he liked me just as much! Turns out he did! He asked Melissa for my phone number and called me to ask me on a date! We went to lunch at Fitzwilly's, our favorite burger place on Northgate. We went on lunch dates several more times after that. September rolled around and we went together to Brownwood for a music festival and to spend time with Jenae's family. We held hands at the festival and that night he came into the girls room and gave me a kiss goodnight. It was our first legitimate kiss, haha. I remember the butterflies that I felt. It was the most amazing feeling in the entire world! After the Brownwood weekend Darren finally asked me out on a dinner date to Johnny Carino's. This night was amazing and I remember not wanting it to end. Our conversation never ended, and flowed so naturally. It was like we had been dating for years. Finally, after several dates and what not, Darren came over to my dorm and officially asked me to be his girlfriend on September 26th. I remember thinking when he asked me, "well, duh I'll be your girlfriend.. what did you expect?!", haha, but I didn't say that outloud!

Our first picture - before a night at The Hall

Time in our early years of dating was awesome. We hardly ever fought, we always wanted to be around each other, and we just were so comfortable together. It was hard to resist the urge to say "I love you" too soon... well what we thought was too soon. We would be together and say "I love... being with you." or something similar. We kept up this charade for a few months before I finally gave in. Yes, I said "I love you" first! We were about to leave for Christmas break, and although we had only been dating for less than 3 months I had known in my heart for a long time that I loved him. So, I gathered up my courage and told him. Darren was silent for a few minutes, which made me totally nervous. He then said "I love you too", and then explained that he was just so happy and glad that I loved him too, and that's why he hadn't said anything yet. Talk about making a girl scared, haha. I was just so happy that he felt the same way I had. He later told me that he had wanted to tell me those three magical words for quite a while too, but was afraid of scaring me off - yeah right!

One of our first nights hanging out, and I already knew I was falling for him!

We experienced so many awesome things together. We went to Arizona together our first summer to visit my mom and meet my baby horse KD, went to Aggie football games, attended Aggie Awakening (an amazing experience that I wish all college kids could attend), joined San Antonio Hometown Club and participated in their many events, visited family in Garden City... I could go on and on. I always wanted to be around him, and was so sad when we had to spend summers apart or Christmas break. Dating was a lot of fun, but I was anxious for more!

Visiting the Hoover Dam! Summer 2005

Kissing under the Century Tree!

We didn't really start talking about getting engaged until a good couple of years after we began dating. Of course we knew that we would get married and had discussed our future together, but we knew that it wasn't time yet to start looking at rings or planning the big day quite yet!

Having fun in Purgatory, Colorado

We had been dating for about two years when Darren graduated and moved to Lubbock. That was a hard year! We hardly saw each other between my work/school schedule and his work schedule. He came to visit a few times, and I flew to Lubbock once and drove a few times. 7 hours was a long way to drive for just a weekend, especially when I would work most weekends to try to make as much money as I could! The weekend that Darren came down to College Station to propose to me marked three weeks since the last time we had seen each other. I thought we were going to celebrate finally getting to see each other, and a dating anniversary... however Darren had other plans!

Reenacting our engagement

January 26th, what was the best night of my life up until my wedding! Darren took me to eat at a wonderful restaurant in downtown Bryan called Madden's. We had amazing food and wine, and enjoyed each others company. After dinner Darren suggested that we go on a walk through downtown. For those of you who don't know, downtown Bryan is awesome. Very old and full of neat little shops and restaurants. It was one of my favorite places to go on a special occasion during college. I didn't really feel like going for a walk, but Darren insisted. Hmm... ;-) We began walking around and all of a sudden he stopped me in front of the Carnegie library. He then told me, "I just wanted to let you know how much I love you. So much that I want to spend the rest of my life with you." He then got down on one knee and asked me if I would marry him. I couldn't believe what was happening, I was so excited! I started crying and of course said yes! It was so special to just be the two of us, sharing an awesome moment together. Not long after Darren's brother Trey called and they were right around the corner! They came to Bryan to congratulate us and take pictures!

I still couldn't believe what happened!

After taking some pictures and calling my parents and closest friends we headed back to my townhouse. There waiting for us was a trail of roses leading to a "celebration table" with more roses, pictures of us and our favorite bottle of wine chilling. Almost all of our best friends were able to be there to help us celebrate! I was beyond happy. It was an amazing night!

One of our engagement pictures

The first part of our engagement was spent living apart. In May when I finished school I moved to Garden City to start working and planning the wedding. I lived with Darren's parents, which was so much fun because I was able to get a lot closer to them! Darren's mom and I planned almost all of the wedding details ourselves, which was a lot of work! I knew that I wanted a fall wedding so we set the date for November 3, 2007.

One of my favorites - our "hunny hug"

It seemed like years before the wedding date finally arrived, but man when it got close time flew by... naturally. We were married in St. Lawrence Catholic Church - the same church that both Darren and I were baptized, confirmed and took our first Eucharist in. It was also the same church that Darren's parents were married in, and numerous family members. It was so special to me to be married there. The night before the wedding we said goodbye and I went to stay the night at Darren's grandmother's house with my bridesmaids. I cried when I left him. More so happy tears, knowing that the next time I saw him would be when I was walking down the aisle towards him on the arm of my father. (Man, I'm going to make myself cry right now!) Our wedding ceremony was at 3:30 in the afternoon. Father Francis gave us a great ceremony, and we made things special by including our friends and family as our musicians, readers, and Eucharistic ministers.

Our first kiss as Husband and Wife

Our reception was held next door to the church in the Parish Hall. We decorated everything with fall colors of cranberry red, brown, ivory, and some oranges. I may be biased, but it was beautiful. I also decorated everything with an antique feel. We had antique oil lamps (working!) on the reserved tables, an antique secretary that belonged to Darren's great grandparents as our sign in table, and other details throughout the hall.

Wedding Decor at the entrance

We worked for 3 1/2 days straight before the wedding getting everything decorated. Friends and family came to help with flowers, hanging lights, you name it! We had around 400 people at our reception, and I wouldn't have had it any other way! Out in St. Lawrence you invite the whole community, and the community helps out! We had a bbq brisket meal that was cooked by our parish members and friends. It was delicious!

One of my favorite wedding portraits

We had the traditional wedding march to start off our dancing, followed by our first dance as Mr. and Mrs.! We danced to "Existentialism on Prom Night" by Straylight Run, a song that we had found while dating and fell in love with. We wanted something different from what everyone else in the world does, and I think we found it! Our friends Diwen and Patrick played the piano and violin along to the recording which made it even more special. That dance was one of the best in my whole life! My dad then gave a great speech to us both. I danced to "Father and Daughter" by Paul Simon with my daddy, and Darren danced to "Never Alone" by Lady Antebellum with him mom. We then kicked off the dance with some country music! My grandparents won the "longest marriage" dance, and gave us some great words of wisdom. We danced and partied the night away! When it came time to leave we were showered with fall leaves, and we left in Darren's grandfather's 1929 Model A. It was probably the best get away car ever! Again, I might be biased!

Leaving as husband and wife!

Our awesome getaway car!

Before leaving for the evening Darren sang and played me an awesome song, in front of all of our guests no less! He did his own rendition of "Who I am" by Wade Bowen. I'm pretty sure there was not a dry eye in the house. People still come up to me and tell me how that was one of the sweetest and coolest things they had ever seen done at a wedding reception. That's right, my husband is awesome!

Getting a kiss after playing me a song

After leaving our wedding we traveled to Midland to spend the night before leaving for our Honeymoon. When we arrived at the Hilton we were so excited because we were upgraded to the Governors Suite.. for free! Too bad we weren't there long to enjoy it! We had an early morning wake up call to get to the airport for our flight to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. Unfortunately this is where things turn.... we missed our flight! Turns out that the night we were married was the night Daylight Savings Ended.... so our hotel clock was incorrect and we arrived at the airport an hour past when we were supposed to. Oops! We just had to catch the next flight out, and ended up not getting to Puerto Vallarta until late in the evening instead of early afternoon. It didn't phase us too much though.. we were married and that was all that mattered!

Shortly after arriving in PV

Our Honeymoon was so much better than we could have ever dreamed of. We stayed at the Villa Premiere in Puerto Vallarta, a small adult only hotel. Of course we had the Honeymoon Suite, complete with a jacuzzi tub on the balcony! The food was amazing, the scenery gorgeous (we saw humpback whales just while laying on the beach that were migrating south for the winter!). We specifically wanted to go somewhere and do absolutely nothing but enjoy each others company. Our Honeymoon package did include a couples massage and a candlelight private dinner on the beach which was AMAZING.

Taking a nice photo-op at sunset on our balcony

Everyone who worked at the hotel was so nice and helpful. Our maid came in every night to do a turn down service for us where she would fill the jacuzzi, light candles, spread out rose petals.. you name it. It was awesome! We didn't even want to leave the hotel because it was so nice, but one day we did venture in to downtown PV for some shopping.

Dinner at one of the three hotel restaurants

We were sad to leave Mexico, but ready to get back to Texas and start our lives together in Lubbock. While living in Lubbock Darren continued to work at the Eco-Drip in Levelland, and I started back up at Texas Tech. Darren was the best, and fully supported me through college. He paid for tuition and never once suggested I get a job, instead letting me focus on my studies. It was with this great help that I was able to graduate Summa Cum Laude. I was also able to participate in the Texas Tech Equestrian Team because he wanted me to ride and have fun.

After my graduation

During our early married years we experienced many great things together. We enjoyed our first Christmas and Thanksgiving as a married couple shortly after getting married, we traveled to Jamaica for Darren's cousin's wedding, went to countless Garden City football games, and just enjoyed growing closer together as a couple.

After the beautiful beach wedding in Jamaica

After graduation we moved to the little town of Garden City, Darren's hometown, so that I could begin work at Eco-Drip and so that we could settle and move towards our future! We were so happy to leave Lubbock, but still miss all of our friends and family there.

Proud citizens of Garden City, Tx!

We settled in to an old 1940's house that belonged to one of the best school teachers Garden City ever had. She taught Darren's parents and even his grandpa! We then decided to expand our family by getting a puppy! Pearl has been so much fun and we love her incredibly way too much! She's a little spoiled, but such a good girl, and super sweet.

Our little family

Now we anxiously await the day when we can expand our family further. Hopefully God decides soon that it's time for us to be parents! Our love for each other continues to grow every day... I am amazed that it is even possible to love him more and more, but it definitely happens! We are truly blessed, and I know we are each others best friends and soul mates.

Celebrating our 2nd wedding anniversary

Having fun at Gruene Hall

Well I hope that this story wasn't too long or boring, but to me it is nothing short of wonderful. I love my husband very much and am so glad to be a part of his life.

Done!

Last night was my last clomid pill for the month! I'd like to think that I made it through with little problems, but it seems as if I have to wait and see! I read another person's blog today who had finished hers and then the symptoms started coming up. So.... but really I think maybe I'll get by ok, especially since it was a low dose. I haven't heard from Carylon on whether or not she was able to get me an appt with Dr. Phy or not, but I hope she was able to! My mom asked why we were making the appt already, and I said that we could always cancel if I turn up preggers! Let's hope!! I wish this past month hadn't been so hectic for us. Seriously June flew by, and left me ragged in the dust. We were busy all the time, gone almost every weekend, and hardly had any time to ourselves. I can't wait for July just because we can slow down a little! We have our New York trip to look forward to, but other than that, it's pretty slow! Hooray! Now, if only July could be even better for us.. hmmm... I have some ideas on how that could happen! ;-) We'll continue to pray and enjoy each other. After all, we really are blessed, and the rest is up to God!

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.
-- James 1:12

Who's feeling the clomid side effects?

I have the best husband in the entire world. Really, I do. Now, I know some of you would argue... but you just can't win this one! Darren has been amazing throughout this whole ttc process. He's stood by me through countless negative pregnancy tests, told me that money would not be a worry if we needed to go to doctors and what not, and has reminded me day in and day out how much he wants to be a dad, and how much he loves me. Now, as if I wasn't emotional enough, with the help of my friend clomid I feel like a giant baby! I haven't broken down crying or anything yet... thank goodness. Haha. Darren was sweet at the wedding, and maybe a little tipsy, hehe.. so went on and on to both Leslie and our friend Melissa about how wonderful I was, and how awesome being married was. Maybe it was the atmosphere of the wedding and reception, or the alcohol, lol, but he was super sweet all weekend to me, and well to everyone! I have a great guy! .... I love him.

I still don't have much of an appetite. I think I took about half of what I normally would at lunch and still had to make myself finish it. Tonight is my last pill, so maybe I'll get my appetite back soon! I had a small pain in my ovaries area and texted Carylon about it, so we'll see if she thinks I'm ok or not. It's not bad enough to take meds for, and it's already subsided, but just in case, I'll get a professional opinion! We're now at cd9, so ovulation could happen anytime in the next week! Hooray! I'm taking my temp, so that should help too.

I hate this waiting process, but I have a good feeling! We'll see! =)

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."
1 John 4:18

***Update*** Carylon said the pain was ok since it was so minimal but to keep observing for any increased/prolonged pain or lower back pain.. so far so good! Also, my blood work from Tuesday came back and my progesterone level was good! Hooray! She's working on getting me an appointment with the RE right now, and I asked if I could go see Dr. Phy in Lubbock - who Evan suggested from his rotation. I googled her and she seemed pretty awesome, hehe. So, we're making progress! Baby steps, lol..

Clomid and the wedding cont..

Trey and Leslie are finally hitched! The wedding and receptions yesterday were beautiful and we had tons of fun! I wasn't feeling quite up to snuff the whole time, but I survived! I slept much better after that first night in the hotel room. I also had a slightly larger appetite yesterday than Friday. However still not much! My back was hurting yesterday before the wedding which worried carylon but it was more so the middle of the back, so she said that was ok. My only real problem then has been the hot flashes. They are more like heat waves!!! Ha! Carylon asked about the intercourse, which of course had been non existent since we were sharing a hotel room with family, lol... But luckily last night we had the room to ourselves! I'm glad that I'm totally comfortable with her when discussing things like that, lol.

We are now on our way back to garden city, still, after leaving Houston at 10:30. I'm ready to be home! We took pearl to my dads house for the weekend and she had a great time playing with her brother oso! Now she's sleeping on darrens lap as he drives, ha!

Well, 2 more days of clomid! Tonight and tomorow! Here's hoping the bad symptoms stay away!

Clomid, Houston, and the big day!

This is my first attempt at blogging from my phone! I wanted to keep a journal of how the clomid made me feel each day, and the blog seemed like the easiest thing to do! We are in our hotel room in Houston right now. Wedding is tomorrow!

So anyway, day 1 of clomid: I took my first pill at 9pm Thursday night. I don't know whether it was the travelling or the humid Houston air but I was so tired last night, but it was too hot in our room so I did not sleep well. I kept asking Darren if it was really hot or if it was the meds messing with me! I was slightly dizzy but nothing too horrible. However, all day today I didn't have much of an appetite. I didn't eat breakfast, barely touched my lunch, and ate ok at supper. So I feel a little weak but that's more than likely from not eating!

I took my second pill a little before 9 and so far have not been feeling too bad. It was really hot at the place where we had the rehearsal, but once I got in a/c I felt better. I'm hungry now, but stuck in the hotel room, lol.

Tomorrow is the big day and I hope I feel ok and don't pass out during church or something!! It'll be a really long day as we are supposed to be at the church at 8:30am to start hair... Oye!

Well, hope this iPhone blogger thing works!

Ready and Waiting

Today was cd3, and I went into Carylon's office for my preliminary blood work. The lady who took my blood, since Carylon was not there, said that they were testing my progesterone level. I won't know until early next week since they had to send it off to the lab. Here's what google told me:

Fertility & Progesterone

Progesterone is recognized as a vital female hormone central to successful conception and a healthy pregnancy. The word "progesterone" is itself etymologically related to the Latin root gestare - meaning to bear or carry - suggesting the importance of this hormone in creating a fertile environment for conception and the continuing development of the embryo.

In short, progesterone is a female sex hormone that is secreted by the corpus luteum to prepare the endometrium for implantation of the fertilized egg. Following implantation off the egg, the developing placenta signals the body to produce progesterone and prevent rejection of the developing embryo or fetus. Without this continuuing progesterone production, the endometrium would shed and menstruation would ensue. Therefore, progesterone plays a significant role in reproduction. Thus, progesterone...

• Helps create a fertile, warm environment in the womb and promotes the survival of the fertilized egg through healthy implantation.

• Strengthens and maintains the secretory endometrium which sustains the embryo throughout pregnancy.

• Prevents the premature shedding of the secretory endometrium (menstruation).

As progesterone forestalls the shedding of the endometrium (where embryo implantation occurs), low progesterone levels - or a significant drop in progesterone levels - during the first few weeks of pregnancy may correspond with miscarriage.

Here, progesterone plays a 'secretory’ role in the reproductive organs. It stimulates changes in the uterus and supports pregnancy by increasing blood vessel and tissue development in the endometrium.

Progesterone, Fertility, and Reproduction

During a woman's cycle, progesterone levels rise rapidly at ovulation to provide a fertile environment for the fertilized egg. Here, progesterone is also responsible for the increase in body temperature at ovulation that lasts through most of the luteal phase. Beginning with ovulation, the corpus luteum produces progesterone for several days (and the concomitant temperature increase is in most cases easily measurable through methods of BBT/fertility charting).

If fertilization and implantation take place, the placenta takes over the role signalling progesterone production and in further maintaining a supportive environment for embryonic and fetal development. If fertilization does not occur, progesterone levels fall dramatically (usually after 10-12 days) triggering the shedding of the secretory endometrium (menses).

Because progesterone is essential in preventing the shedding of the secretory endometrium, a significant drop in progesterone levels during the first 10 - 12 weeks of pregnancy may result in a miscarriage.

I don't know what's with the formatting, sorry! Anyway, some good information! Now we wait for cd5 so that I can start clomid! Oh joy! Menopause, here I come! haha..

"I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry." ~Psalms 40:1

11 Strikes and... We're Out.

After 11 cycles of trying on our own, we have now come to the point where medical assistance is necessary, or well, we just don't want to wait any longer so we're going for it, ha. What a wonderful Father's Day present for Darren.... Aunt Flow. Darren mentioned to me how sad he had been all weekend because we were around a lot of our young married friends and their children. We went to our friend Michelle's wedding in St. Lawrence and saw a bunch of babies there. And then of course, Father's Day. I made, with the assistance of my loving mother, a Father's Day card from our "furbabies" to Darren. We put paint on their paws and stuck it on paper, haha. Now they each have one black paw, oops... but it was cute and he said he really liked it. Too bad it couldn't be from his future child! I really didn't think we'd find out this soon whether it was yes or no. My cycle this month was only 27 days, but last month was so screwy, so who knew what was "normal". Now I am trying to get an appointment set up with Carylon because she wanted me in for blood work on day 3, and starting clomid on day 5. That means at the wedding this weekend I will be a hormonal mess. Hot flashes, crying, you name it... should be fun! Not! But, I'm looking forward to Trey & Leslie's wedding, regardless of how I'm feeling.

So, let's hope that medicine can have a little input on mother nature. I hate that it had to come to this, and it really makes my heart hurt. But, little 'ole impatient me has decided that I can't wait any longer. These past 11 months have been hard enough!

Thanks for all the prayers and well wishes.. let's hope that things roll along quickly now!

"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God." ~Psalm 43:5

Superstition

I've always been moderately superstitious. By that I mean that I don't care about spilling the salt, or a black cat walking in my path, but I do care about wishing at 11:11, and I believe in "signs". hehe. All this week my klove's encouraging words have been pretty relevant to what is going on in our lives right now:

From 6/15 - "Let all that I am praise the Lord; may I never forget the good things he does for me. He forgives all my sins and heals all my diseases." ~Psalm 103:2-3

From 6/16 - "But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." ~Isaiah 40:31

From today - "So let's not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don't give up." ~Galatians 6:9

Then, stranger enough, last night at Hunan's, the amazing chinese restaurant in Big Spring, Andrea and I both had good and telling fortunes!

Mine: "You will soon witness a miracle."
Andrea's: "Remember three months from this date. Good things are in store for you."

Ok now, that's just awesome, right?! =) I'm hoping that by in 3 months they mean that she'll like be at my sonogram or something, lol... not that it will take 3 months for us to get pregnant, lol. But hey, either way, a baby is a baby and I'll take one! =D hehe.

I'm thinking maybe, just maybe, this month worked. After all, it would mean another March Hillger, and we actually didn't try too hard this month! But, when I think I ovulated should work out with our "trying", hehe. So, let's hope and pray! Plus, my mom will be here starting today through next week, so how awesome would it be if I could tell her I was pregnant in person?! Oh my goodness.... plus it would be a late Father's day present for Darren! hehe.

Moving on, I got to meet Liliana finally! She is the most precious little girl! I had fun getting to talk with Cristina & Evan while I held and rocked their baby girl. She's so sweet, and beautiful! While we were in Lubbock I also got to go play with Emerson! That kid is growing up so fast. He is pulling up on everything, and loves to throw stuff on the ground and follow it up with an "uh-oh!". haha, too cute. I miss all of my Lubbock-ites already!

Mom is coming today! HOORAY! She stopped and spent the night in New Mexico, so should be here this afternoon! I can't wait to have her here for a whole week! I'm so excited!

So say some prayers that my next blog post is all about feeling pregnant, hehe...

Be Happy That...

I'm glad that I work fast, because I shouldn't be reading blogs/writing my own blog at work. Oops! ;-) Oh well. I stumbled across this post on Busted Plumbing today from her archives. It made me realize that I need to count my blessings today, so I'm going to share with you my own "Be happy that...". Because no matter how tired I am right now, or stressed, or how much I am sad that I won't see my husband for 5 days, there is still something to smile about! Please feel free to comment with your own! =D

Be happy that... I have the most amazing husband in the whole world.
Be happy that... I get to meet Liliana really soon!
Be happy that... Pearl has not eaten the kitties yet ;-)
Be happy that... God knows his plan for me!
Be happy that... I am going on a dinner/movie date with my Britni tonight, hehe
Be happy that... My mom is coming to visit next week for a WHOLE week!
Be happy that... My grandparents are still in ok health, and we get to see them in a month!
Be happy that... Marcus got $7000 in scholarships today for his awesomeness!
Be happy that... I have a house to live in, clothes on my body, running water, food to eat, shelter from the sun and weather, a job to pay bills
Be happy that... It has only been almost a year of trying, not 10 years
Be happy that... I'm getting my first sister-in-law in two weeks!
Be happy that... God is awesome and he loves us so much!
Be happy that... My family and friends are healthy and happy
Be happy that... I really do have an amazing life.

I could probably go on for all eternity. Come to think of it, I am feeling TONS better now! I was so "blah" before, for lack of a better word, and now I'm ready to face the day and bring on the rest of my life!

So thanks Kate, from Busted Plumbing (who is healthy and pregnant after 5 years of trying, Praise God!). You made my day a lot better!

"Oh give thanks to the Lord; call upon His name;
make known His deeds among the peoples!
Sing to Him, sing praises to Him;
tell of all His wondrous works!" ~Psalm 105: 1-2

Game Plan

Ok, I talked to Carylon tonight, and after talking with Darren a bunch we have come up with our game plan...

This month we're going to play it cool, hope with all our might that we get pregnant to avoid the future measures, and just relax and regroup.... count our pennies, stop spending frivolous money, see where we stand.. yada yada. Starting on the 3rd day of my cycle next month I will go to Carylon's office for blood work. They will check my progesterone level, thyroid, and something else I don't remember. On day 5 I will start clomid and take it through day 9 I believe. From there we will see what happens that month! The major risk with clomid is hyperstimulation Carylon said. Ok now, hopefully Evan doesn't make fun of me too much because I'm likely going to get this all jumbled up, hehe, but anyway, she said that it meant that my ovaries could produce too many follicles, in which case they could cause my ovaries to expand and possibly rupture. This also means that I could produce more than one egg, meaning chance of multiples, and that also there was a higher risk for miscarriage. At this stage in the game we are ok with all of that. Although it's not ideal we are just ready to try something. After that I will go to the RE. I'll probably end up going to one in Lubbock because Carylon really doesn't like the one in Odessa. Fine by me because then I'd get to see my family and friends, except for more costly because of gas/time from work... Carylon said she rather wait and have Darren's sperm analysis done later because a) we're almost 100% positive it's an issue with my body and b) an RE will really know what they're looking for and can give us the most explanation rather than a urologist. Carylon seems to think that the approach we are taking is best. She thinks a month on clomid and then going to the RE will be best for us both emotionally and financially. She realizes our complete desire to have a kid as soon as we can, lol, and knows that her office can only offer us so much. It is so great to have her to go to for advice and what not. She's been awesome. Actually, every single person who knows about us has been amazing... I, no WE, are truly blessed to have such amazing people in our lives.

In the mean time we'll continue to be incredibly in love, desperately wanting a little one, and just praising His name for all of the other blessings in our lives. Thank you for your prayers, and keep sending them our way! ;-)

"Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need." ~Hebrews 4:16

Hold My Heart

One of my new favorite songs.....

Tenth Avenue North - Hold My Heart

How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will you turn to me?

One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
Cuz I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will you run to me?

One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't sleep but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.

Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?
Hold my heart

June...

June is here. Which means it has now been over 10 months of trying with no success. It also means that it's hotter than Hades around here, Shorts are a must, Trey & Leslie's wedding is right around the corner, and I get to meet Liliana soon! This summer is so busy for us, but in a good way! I just got home from New Braunfels where we had Leslie's bachelorette party. It was tons of fun! I'm exhausted now, but in the best way possible! Her maid-of-honor did a great job of making it the best weekend for everyone there! It was a blast! Now, to recover! ;-)

Carylon and I are going to be talking more soon about what our next step is, and what we need to do. I don't think we'll be able to start clomid this month because you're supposed to take it on like day 7 of your cycle, which is past now. However, maybe since my cycles are long I'll be able to... we'll see! I'm just ready to start trying something!

Looking at the calendar, if we were to get pregnant this month our baby would be due in March. All Hillger's (practically, haha!) are born in March! So that would be awesome! Let's see, there is Darren, Scotty, Dana, Justin, Brian, Pearl.... hopefully I didn't forget someone! But it's a Hillger birthday month no less! So that would be neat! I just hope and pray that maybe we do get pregnant this month because it would be on our own... and that would make me feel so much better about the future!

Well, I'm going to shower and go to bed! It's been a long weekend and the sun has taken a toll on my energy level! By the way, it's 9pm and still 98 degrees outside. That's just wrong! Glad I'm not super duper pregnant, hehehe.... well.... actually... I'd take that! ;-)

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." ~Psalms 139:13-16

The Road Ahead

Well folks, it looks like we may be in for a long haul. I spoke with Carylon the other day about what she thought was going on with me medically, and she gave me her advice on what we should do next. She said that she believes I am having anovulatory cycles every month. I get a period, but am not ovulating. If you don't ovulate, you can't make a baby! We are trying to determine what to do right now. Carylon suggested that we start by taking clomid:

"Clomid is the most well-known fertility drug, probably because it is the most commonly used. And with good reason. About 25% of female factor infertility involves a problem with ovulation, and clomiphene citrate, as a fertility drug, is easy to use (taken as a pill, not an injection), with not too many side effects, is pretty inexpensive compared to other fertility drugs, and is effective in stimulating ovulation 80% of the time." -- I found this online.

They said that you are not supposed to take clomid for longer than a 6 month period, for whatever reason. We (Darren and I) think that we would like to start clomid right away, and then see if Carylon's main doctor, Dr. Byerly, will do preliminary lab work. If not then we are going to get Carylon to recommend us to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). The problem with the RE is that they are expensive. She told us that our initial visit with the RE would be for a bunch of lab work, a semen analysis on Darren, and that it would cost around $1500. We have a $5000 deductible on our insurance... that means that is all out of pocket! =/ Fortunately we have been putting away a savings bucket all year with my income, so we should be ok... it just sucks. There is an RE in Odessa, Lubbock, or San Antonio that Carylon recommends. The San Antonio one is more for when things get serious and we really know there is a problem. For now we will either go to Odessa or Lubbock, depending on what Dr. Byerly will do. If Dr. Byerly will do preliminary tests then maybe we can just go to the RE afterwards. The RE will still have to re-do the labs, but maybe we could just get some sort of understanding.

I'm so scared about all of this. I am glad to finally know something, and am anxious to start trying to get help, however, I don't want to go and them tell me, "oh yeah, you're never going to be able to have children". Or, I don't want to try for years and then try invitro, and still have no success. I seriously applaud Carylon and Brian for still being such amazing people throughout their whole process. They have the most amazing little girl, that was God's gift to them after trying for forever, and failed adoptions. They are so inspiring. Carylon has been amazing through this. She told me Saturday that if I ever needed anything that she was there for me. It was so nice to hear. I know that I have others who I go to a lot (my mom, Cristina, Andrea), but medically it was just nice to know she was a phone call away. Heck, I'll probably put Evan's medical knowledge to use too! ;-)

I just pray that God will recognize how much we want to be parents, and how ready and willing we are to accept children in to our lives. We understand that this may be a long journey, and although that is scary we know that we will have God with us every step of the way.

So, please keep us in your prayers, and I'll keep updating on our process!

"But Lord, be merciful to us, for we have waited for you. Be our strong arm each day and our salvation in times of trouble." ~ Isaiah 33:2

Rough Week

It's been a while since my last post, probably because I've been out of it all week. I had my wisdom teeth removed on Monday, and what they don't tell you is how hard the anesthesia is going to kick your butt! Maybe it was just me, but I'm still drowsy and just flat out dragging. It's hard for me to concentrate for a long time at work because the computer screen puts me to sleep, haha. My teeth for the most part don't hurt anymore. The left side is still giving me some trouble and I have yet to eat really solid food. I managed to not lose weight during the ordeal... probably had something to do with the 2 bowls of ice cream I eat every day. ;-)

On Tuesday I started what I guess will be my period for this month..... I took 3 pregnancy tests leading up to my surgery because I was afraid if I was indeed pregnant and then went through anesthesia that it would be a very bad thing. They all came back negative of course so I went ahead with it. Tuesday's start and what has continued has been not normal, but I guess when it starts on day 35 of your "cycle", nothing is normal! I'm bummed, but mostly upset that this means we need to start talking about setting up an appointment with a fertility specialist. Carylon said that at one year we need to see someone, and well, it's been 10 months now. I don't know how far ahead you have to set these appointments, so I am talking with Carylon now about who she recommends that I go see. Not fun. I just wish it would happen already, but it looks as if it's not going to on it's own. Dang it!!!!!

Moving on to something better.... LILIANA WAS BORN! On May 21 Liliana decided to make her appearance in this world! We could not be happier for Cristina & Evan! She is precious! We can't wait to meet her, and hold her, and spoil her... hehe. Not like she hasn't had plenty of that already!

Well, I will write about what Carylon and I decide to do - what the next step will be. Please pray for us!

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."
~Romans 8:28

Test #1

I tested this morning, on the 31st day after my period, because nothing had happened physically yet. No sign of pregnancy and no sign of my period. I got a negative. Honestly I wanted to just stay home all day and not deal with anything, but some small glimmer of hope inside of me thinks that nothing means nothing until I get my period, so to not give up yet. Right? Well, wishful thinking probably.. More than likely mother nature will arrive, in perfect timing for me to be cooped up in bed recovering from my wisdom teeth removal. At my pre-op consult appointment today they asked if I was pregnant, and I had to respond "No". That hurt. If I turn up preggers I am canceling that appointment Monday! ha!

In other news, Pearl tried to make this even more of a worse day by drinking some spilled bug spray. Way to go, Pearl! She vomited four times, but then we gave her milk and she was better. She's been fine ever since, thank goodness. My mother is wonderful and helped us through it by looking up things online and giving her vet opinion. Oye.... as if I wanted something like that to happen! I don't know what I'd do if poor Pearl got sick! =(

Oh, I almost forgot! Seems as if Liliana wants to make her appearance sooner than her due date! Cristina went for her checkup yesterday and was already dilated and 100% effaced! Her doctor joked that some women at 40 weeks would kill for her cervix, lol. So, unfortunately they won't be making a trip to Garden City this weekend, but we totally understand! I just hope Liliana waits until after my surgery, because I definitely want to go up to Lubbock to see her when she's born! =) She'll be one beautiful baby!

Found this fun read on busted plumbing's archives today. She has such a funny way of putting things that actually do go through my head!

Here's to hoping something happens soon...... I might go crazy.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
~Galatians 6:9

God's Plan

Let me tell you a little story, about how Darren and I were meant to be together... I know, awww... Seriously though, I just felt like sharing this today when I'm doing a little soul searching to determine where God's plan is going to take us next!

~ First, Darren and I were both born in Midland Memorial Hospital, and delivered by the SAME doctor... 2 and a half years apart no less.
~ We had the same pediatrician growing up
~ We grew up less than 30 minutes from each other, attended the same dances and parties at church, played on the same playgrounds, hung out with some of the same kids, went on field trips to the same places..
~ We babysat the same kids, at different times of course
~ I moved off to Dallas and San Antonio but kept in touch with my good friend Melissa from Greenwood - which hardly ever happens, but this was a necessity to carry out the rest of the plan!
~ After getting in to 3 Universities I decided to attend A&M, the one school who didn't give me any scholarships
~ Darren and I met before school even started, and the day we met was the same day that my horse Nancy passed away. My mom claims that I was losing one love and gaining another on the same day.

Now I know that it may not seem that crazy, but to us it is so neat to see how everything lined up for us to meet. Since the day we saw each other we knew that we had met our soulmates.... cheesy, I know... but really and truly, it was all a part of God's plan. I am so blessed to have Darren in my life. I don't know where I'd be without him!

All of these crazy realizations came later in life of course, in fact we didn't know about the whole OB thing until right before our wedding when my mom was talking to Darren's mom! However, we're pretty proud of it, and I just felt like sharing!

Now, I wish I could see right now what God has in store for us. I'm just praying it doesn't involve any long struggles! We shall see!

"A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps."
~ Proverbs 16:9

Not Feeling It

Well, nothing has happened yet to give me a definite negative, but I am just not feeling it. Darren claims that maybe this time it is going to be positive because in the past when I have "felt it" I've been negative. So... we shall see! I have zero symptoms so far though, which just makes me think that my body is finally relaxed enough to not freak out like I have before and give me fake symptoms, but is not in fact preggers. I dunno! It's in God's hands... I keep telling myself that!

In other news... Pearl continues to grow and make us love her more and more (and at times wanna kill her, lol!). She already knows how to "sit", and we're learning "come" and "shake". I really thought Cristina's brother Danny was not going to give her back to me this weekend! We went up to Lubbock for Cristina's law school graduation (YAY CRISTINA!) and brought little miss Pearl along! She did great in the car and in all of the other places we brought her to! She's a trooper! This weekend was so much fun, and so nice to spend time with Cristina & Evan, and Jenna, McLain and Emerson! Emerson is getting so big! He does his version of crawling, which I call an army crawl, lol, and pulls up and stands like a champ... but we're not interested in walking quite yet! He's only 11 months old tomorrow, so I guess it's not too shabby!

Side note.. It's raining right now. I love afternoon thunderstorms in west texas!

Well, I'll be testing soon, so I'll keep everyone updated! Probably won't test until Thursday or Friday, but we'll see if I have anything/anyone "tell" me otherwise! ;-)

"We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield."
~ Psalm 33:20

Fun Times

Lately I have been super relaxed, and enjoying life! I have not had time to worry about charting, what day it is, when I'm supposed to start, etc etc... instead I have been focusing my time and energy on having fun, enjoying time with my husband and our ADORABLE puppy Pearl! She is so much fun! We spend all of our time with her now. Thank goodness it's getting nice outside, minus the wind and extreme heat! We love her to pieces even though she can be a handful at times! I'm pretty sure this is preparing us for parenthood, lol. My father-in-law suggested that maybe this will get my "motherly juices" going.... take that however you might like to, lol.

Well, let's see, if I was caring about things then we should be finding out in about a week or so. But like I said, I dropped the charting this month after about the second week because we were getting up at different times with Pearl, and then we were out of town, so there's no telling when I ovulated. We just made sure to have our bases covered! ;-)

Praying for our miracle, but knowing that it is IN GOD'S HANDS... Not mine!

“From the fullness of grace we have received one blessing after another” - John 1:16

A to Z!

I'm stealing this from Cristina's blog, because it seemed like a fun thing to do... plus our computer program for work is being reallllly slow, and making me angry! So, I'm going to pass the time!

A - Z Survey

A: Area Code: I have a 210 - San Antonio - still, because I won't give up AT&T and I love my iPhone, haha... but Darren has a 432 - Midland area, which is what I probably should have!

B: Bed Size: We have a queen and I love it. I wouldn't want bigger. We stayed in a hotel once with a king bed and joked around by asking each other if we could "come into your country?" when we wanted to snuggle, haha.

C: Chore you Hate: Laundry, laundry, laundry.... it seems like no matter how many loads I do there is always more waiting. And I never want to put it away even though I hate wrinkles, so half of the time it is sprawled out on our guest bed for a week, haha.

D: Dog's Name: Clara Pearl! She's adorable and we love her so much already! She's definitely getting to be a spoiled little girl too! Puppies are so much fun!

E: Essential "Start the Day" Item: Chocolate milk! Haha, I drink a glass every morning - made with whole milk! Yummy!

F: Favorite Color: Cranberry red. I used it in our wedding and now it is all over my bedroom and some of the rest of the house. It's close to maroon too, which is a plus! Whoop!

G: Gold or Silver: White gold! haha.. I guess I like silver because I wear it more, but really I don't care.

H: Height: 5'6", which is way shorter than my brothers, but I'm way taller than all of the Hillger women!

I: Instruments you Play: Clarinet, and I try to play piano. I know how to read music but I don't know the right hand positions, so I just make it up. haha, it still sounds good to me!

J: Job: General Business Manager at Eco-Drip Irrigation. I do the taxes, handle accounts payable and receivable, and fix other people's problems/mess-ups. It's fun!

K: Kids: Not yet... but man, I hope there are some soon! I want 4 so we need to get busy! ;-)

L: Living Arrangements: I live with my wonderful husband in a house built in the 1940's, which makes for some interesting problems. We also have our puppy now! We never lived together before we were married, which I agree with Cristina was a good idea.

N: Nickname: KK, DD (my brothers have called me that ever since they were little), and of course Hunny... that's all that Darren and I call each other.

M: Mom's Name: Margaret Merle, hehehe.. she'll kill me. We call her Meg, and she's awesome!

O: Overnight Hospital Stay: Um? Never? When I was born? I've been lucky to not have to go to the hospital for long!

P: Pet Peeve: Lying, Arrogance, Darren cracking his wrists, lol...

Q: Quote From a Movie: "Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine" - Rick on Casablanca. One of my favorite movies! Such a classic... and I'm such a sap. lol.

R: Righty or Lefty: Righty. It makes life very easy. My dad is lefty, but none of us kids are... does it skip a generation?

S: Siblings: 2 little farts of brothers, Adam 18 and Ross 21. Then I have 2 brother-in-laws, Trey and Kevin, and my adopted siblings Britni and Marcus. I also have two step-sisters, Rae & Lindsay, and a step-brother Dustin. Whew!

T: Time you Wake Up: Depends. On week days either I get up at 7 so that I can shower, or I get up at 7:30 when I just pull my hair back. On weekends I sleep as late as I can get away with!

U: Underwear: Victoria's Secret only! I prefer the pink collection! ;-)

V: Veggies you Dislike: I can't name them all... lol.. mostly funky ones. I'll eat the normal ones. =)

W: Ways/ Reasons you are Late: Woke up late, had to take Pearl out to pee (lol, nowadays), turned cell phone alarm off instead of hitting snooze. hehe..

X: X-Rays you've Had: I broke my femur when I was a baby, so a lot then.. 8th grade I pulled a ligament in my foot so had that x-rayed, and then almost 2 years ago I fell off a horse and fractured my pelvis. They gave me a million x-rays for that, but I'm convinced it's because they didn't know what they were doing.

Y: Yummy Food you Make:I love my chicken enchiladas. I make them with cream cheese and they are sooo good!

Z: Zoo Animals you Like: I always love to see the zebras, and giraffes. I do not like monkey's, birds, or anything that smells really bad. lol...

Mother's Day

This Sunday is Mother's Day. I am so blessed to have both my mother in my life, and my mother-in-law, who is like another mom to me. Both are such amazing women, both inspirational, both kind-hearted.... the list goes on and on. I am going to celebrate this mothers day as a doggy-momma, and I am ok with that. Pearl has found her home in Garden City and we are so excited to have her with us! She is the cutest damn thing ever! It's just like raising a baby... puppies seriously are the same in my book as newborns! Except newborns tend to not bite your toes! ;-) Pearl is easing us in to parenthood, and winning our hearts over more and more each day. This must be what it's like to be a mom. I'm not (going to try) going to let it get me down that I am not an actual mother yet. Instead I will celebrate the wonderful women in my life and thank the good Lord for all of the blessings he has given us. I found this on a blog:

Live for the moment and appreciate the day. You may not be a mom yet, but you most likely have your mom, your aunt(s), and maybe even your grandmother(s) to love and be grateful for. Be joyful for all of the women who have been ‘motherly’ to you. And celebrate yourself for all those you are ‘motherly’ to (nieces, nephews, furbabies, students, patients, etc.); you mean a LOT to them. Acknowledge that and smile. Perhaps next year, you will finally celebrate this upcoming holiday with a baby (or two)!

Woo hoo, she mentioned furbabies! =) Our little Pearl is definitely a furbaby! lol... Love it.

I'll post pictures of the little stinker in her new home later! Right now she is sleeping in my office, being such a good little girl!

Happy Mother's Day to my mom's and grandmother's... You mean the world to me!

"Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you"
~Exodus 20:12

Laughter is the best medicine

One of my new favorite blogs is called Busted Plumbing (see side for link). She's a very funny writer, and although a bit out there at times, still keeps me coming back for more of her entries! Since I just found it I've been reading some of her old ones, and came across this gem! Holy moly I thought I was going to cry laughing because all of what she wrote was so true, well, in my perspective. It made for a nice afternoon laugh.

Have I mentioned how great it feels that my in-laws know now? Seriously.... it's amazing. My mom2 has been so supportive, like always.

In other news, Brian & Jessica found out that they are having a boy! More boys in the Hillger family... who'da thunk it? So, now we're hoping maybe we can still be the ones to have the first girl (in some parallel universe where we have a girl instead of a boy, or where we get pregnant before someone else gets pregnant again!). We're still relaxed, having fun, and enjoying each other. But, still waiting and yearning for a little one of our own. Bleh.

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God."
~ 1 John 4:7

"Outing" Ourselves

We did it. We talked to Darren's parents about how we've been trying. Man, that was hard! We were both so nervous, and no time felt like the right time. I finally just kicked Darren until he finally said that we needed to talk to them about something. Finding the words was very hard! I stumbled for a good minute until I finally spit out that we had been trying to get pregnant... for nine months now. We told them that we basically just wanted them to know what was going on, and asked them to please pray for us. We explained how Carylon says we should not worry until it has been a year, and how it is has been hard to hear of everyone around us becoming pregnant. They really were great. It was so nice to finally be able to tell them. Darren's mom and I are close. We are great friends. It has been killing me that I have not been able to talk to her about these things, especially since others know and not her. It felt liberating, yet so freaking scary, to tell them finally! They talked to us about how we need to relax and let it happen - which everyone tells us that - and we agreed. They also told us that it would be ok, and that we shouldn't worry. It was nice to hear someone tells us that it will be ok. Those simple words left such a huge print on my heart. Andrea said she had figured that we had been trying, she just didn't know for how long. And, I felt bad that we were telling her that we're not pregnant instead of pregnant and she said not to worry about that.

So, all in all, it went really well, and we are so glad that we have some more people on our side, helping to pray for us! We will work on the relaxing and having fun, and will keep updating on our progress! ;-)

"As a father shows compassion to his children, so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him." ~Psalms 103:13

What to say?

Interesting thing I found out while blog searching today - it's National Infertility Awareness Week. And this is the week I chose to tell my in-laws about our problems?! How freaky is that? I found some interesting blogs today where the writer tells about their infertility issues and how they deal with them. Some make me feel like a complete idiot for being upset that it's been 9 months of trying with no result. I mean, these women have experienced hell. Some have been trying for 5+ years, with countless miscarriages, etc etc. It's very sad. Then I think of others around me, like our friend/distant cousin Shelby who's been trying for over 2 years, and had one miscarriage. I can only hope and pray that our journey does not take us that far. My new blog that I like to read called this week her "coming out" week, haha, and I guess we will be doing just what she asks us to do on her post.

So, I'm going to use this time to brainstorm what I would like to tell my family tomorrow. How do you even begin? "Hey, guess what? We've been trying to have a baby and haven't been successful yet." ??? I mean, really?! I don't know what we should say. We're mostly just going to tell them that it has been difficult for us, and that we would like for them to pray for us. It's frustrating too because we're not even sure that there is a problem yet - we're just guessing that there is. And who knows, maybe I'll turn up pregnant after this month.... but something inside of me does not want to be positive anymore. I don't see how some women can take let down after let down. They are so strong, so inspiring. Some blogs have happy endings. Two that I read today had recent posts where the women were pregnant, and posted their sonogram pictures. That's awesome. One even said that she hoped it wouldn't make her other infertile readers leave after hearing of her news. How could you not be happy for someone who just found out they were pregnant after trying for a while? That's crazy!

Anyway.... Brian & Jessica should have found out by now whether they are having a boy or girl. They are having a party this weekend to let everyone know what it will be, and we're going to attend. It'll be hard, I'm sure, but we need to be there to support our family. In other news, my mom is hopefully going to have an interview with a vet clinic in San Antonio and I am super pumped. It would make life SO incredibly better if she was in Texas! Let's hope and pray they call her soon to set up a time!

PS... did you know that doctors consider you infertile after one year of trying with no success? Ouch.... =(

"May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you."
~Psalm 33:22

God's Cake

My Aunt sent me this e-mail today and it was just what I needed to read as we embark on yet another month of trying. As soon as May comes around it will become 9 months of trying, which becomes a little scary. 9 months is just about the max average Carylon said, but we really don't need to start seeing a specialist or anything until it has been one year in August. Oye...

In other news, we are going to be talking about things with Darren's parents sometime this week. We want them to know what we've been going through, and just have some extra people praying for us. We know it will not be a fun conversation, and we really didn't want to have to tell them we were trying because now when we do get pregnant it won't be a huge surprise, but it's about time we talked to them about it... Wish us luck!

So, here it is - God's Cake:

Sometimes we wonder, 'What did I do to deserve this?' or 'Why did God have to do this to me?' Here is a wonderful explanation!

A daughter is telling her Mother how everything is going wrong, she's failing algebra, her boyfriend broke up with her and her best friend is moving away.
Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and asks her daughter if she would like a snack, and the daughter says, 'Absolutely Mom, I love your cake.'
'Here, have some cooking oil,' her Mother offers.
'Yuck' says her daughter.
'How about a couple raw eggs?' 'Gross, Mom!'
'Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?'
'Mom, those are all yucky!'

To which the mother replies: 'Yes , all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake!

God works the same way. Many times we wonder why He would let us go through such bad and difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these things all in His order, they always work for good! We just have to trust Him and, eventually, they will all make something wonderful!


...I hope your day is a "Piece of Cake!"

Better Place

This has definitely been one of the hardest days I've had to experience in a while. After checking on our family dog yesterday, I was sure he'd be ok until today when we could take him in to the vet. This morning he was in so much pain. He was out of it, and crying a lot. It broke my heart. We loaded him up and Andrea and I took him to Big Spring to the vet there. After waiting about 30 minutes to see the doctor because we were a walk-in, Dr. Burt examined him briefly and laid down the news.... He had tumors, one had ruptured, which were causing him to have trouble walking, and maggots had gotten in there. It would take a lot to clean him all up, and even then, because it was tumors it would cost a lot of money and it wouldn't even be giving him a clean bill of health. He was 14 years old, so the vet suggested we just put him down. I knew that was what was going to happen, but it seriously broke my heart when they told me. I had put that he was my dog when I filled out the paperwork, so I had to sign to authorize the euthanasia. Talk about the HARDEST thing to do EVER. I never ever ever ever ever want to have to do something like that again. Andrea and I cried, and pet him constantly while they administered the shot. I've never had to witness one of our animals pass away.... this killed me. I'm still sad and I miss him so much already. He was so awesome.... =(

We love you Deets, and we miss you so much! Please watch over us from Heaven!

"Everything that exists in heaven or earth shall find its perfection and fulfillment in Christ." ~Ephesians 1:10

Horrible Few Days...

I'm tired of crying. Really now, it's getting old. There were some shiny points in between a bunch of yuck, and for that I am very thankful!

Our Thursday was great! We were anxious about taking a pregnancy test in the morning, and we were all packed and ready to head to Lubbock for Cristina & Evan's baby shower! Friday morning we woke up, and I took my test.... negative. Well, we didn't feel too horrible about it, but it still wasn't a great start to the day. After lunch we were able to sneak out of work early so that Carylon could remove Darren's (spelling phonetically here...) hemangeoma. Basically a wacked out blood vessel. Anyway... we get there and she cuts on him, lol, and afterward I asked her if I believed I ovulated on Tueday the 6th, when should I expect to get a positive pregnancy test? She said that it was pretty much 10 days minimum, and then kinda hard to tell by a home test. She suggested we run upstairs and do a blood test since my breasts had really been hurting. We left the office before we got the results, and she texted us about fifteen minutes later. My heart sank when I saw her message... "Sorry girl, it was negative. Hang in there!". Carylon is so sweet, and so nice to check for us.. but still, it was so hard to hear that news.

This means we will not have a baby in 2010. That killed me. Now it's been 8 1/2 months of trying with no results. We're almost to the point where we need to start worrying. Carylon said 9 months was long but not too horrible, and a year was definitely time to see someone. So, we're going to see if she can possibly help us by doing a fertility test or something. We believe we're doing everything right, and it's just so frustrating to not see any results yet.

It was so hard to gather myself up and drive to Lubbock, but the moment we got there I relaxed - THANK YOU CRISTINA & EVAN! We went to a great dinner with them, played with their dogs and some puppies at the puppy store in the mall, had delicious homemade chocolate chip cookies, and played fun board games! We all were beat from a not fun day for all of us.... bleh... so went to bed around midnight. The next morning we got up and had an amazing waffle breakfast, sat around talking, and then started getting ready for the shower. The baby shower was a lot of fun! Ashley did a great job of planning everything! Everyone had a good time! My diaper cake turned out pretty good I must say, and my burp cloths, although a little rough because I suck at sewing, were still pretty cute! Liliana can spit up in style! lol... We sadly had to leave after the shower to head back to Garden City for Ryan & Lauren's wedding shower! The 2 hr (we took a short cut and it paid off big time) drive allowed our minds to focus back on not being pregnant, which sucked... but once we got to the shower and saw all of our family and friends we relaxed again. It was fun trading college stories with the bunch!

Today was also a hard day. My phone died in the middle of the night so we did not get up in time to go to church. Then, Scotty called after lunch and told us that Deets, the family border collie, was not doing well, and needed to be put down. I freaked out. I love Deets like he has been MY dog for forever. I convinced them to let me take him to the vet tomorrow and let the vet tell us what is best. I believe he needs antibiotics and will get better, but I will accept it if the DVM tells me that he needs to be put down. I just couldn't accept putting him down without knowing that there was no way he would get better. That's just not right to not give him a chance. He is such a great dog and I love him so much. Hopefully we'll get good news tomorrow.... We can pray!

Anyway, I'm sorry for the sad post, but it has really just been rough. I'm pretty tired, emotionally and physically. My mom has been amazing and has helped me so much. Plus, I have THE BEST husband in the entire world.. seriously. He's my world!

I still pray constantly that God will let us know when it is time.... I just pray that nothing is wrong! =(

"The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you." ~Psalm 9:9-10

Nervous Nelly

This week we should hopefully find out whether this round was successful or not. I hate to say it but I can't help but feel nervous and scared. It's so frustrating! We were definitely relaxed and cool about things this month - well, as good as we could have been. I was nervous for a little bit when I thought Darren was going to be out of town when I was expecting to ovulate. But everything ended up ok, so no worries. I'm thinking I ovulated Tuesday or Wednesday, meaning by the end of the week we should know something... I guess. We'll see! We're excited for this weekend because we'll be going to Lubbock for Cristina & Evan's baby shower that I'm helping with! I have everything ready! =D Can't wait! It'll be good to see them and spend time with them! Liliana will be here before we know it, but no sooner than past graduation, lol.

Other than that it's been a busy past few weeks with work. Man! We call the time period of February through May our busy season, and it is definitely living up to its name! I've been fighting a cold since Friday, but I think I'm over it now, mostly! I felt a LOT better today than I have!

Hopefully my next post will be FULL of good news, instead of the usual bad news. Bleh.... PRAYING CONSTANTLY!!!

“Until now you have not asked
for anything in my name.
Ask and you will receive,
and your joy will be complete.”

~ John 16:24

Easter and Prayer

I love the Easter Tridium of Holy Thursday, Good Friday, and the Easter Vigil on Saturday. To me it is an amazing time to renew your spirit! We spent a good two hours at church Wednesday for choir practice, Thursday, Friday (2 1/2 hours) and Saturday. Whew! But it was amazing none the less. Lots of prayer! You know what all of that prayer was about.... well, I mean, I added some other stuff in there! One amazing thing was that I got to see Melissa, my maid of honor, and my sponsor when I entered the Catholic church, at mass on Saturday! It was so good to so her! She was with her baby Joan, who is so cute! She's so tiny and precious! She's Emersons age but probably weighs half of what he does, lol! We received a surprise from Jacque when she told us that Jenna & McLain are expecting again! Emerson will have a baby brother or sister in November! He'll be almost 18 months old, bless their hearts, lol. Although it was a little difficult to take that news right now, it was still awesome to hear. I had to have a little moment with Darren to reassure me that our time will come. Ahh... if only it would come soon!

Well, nothing else to report right now... my temperature still has not gone up and is under 97 or hovering right around.. so we're not past ovulation yet. No other signs yet either, so, we'll sit and wait! In the mean time we'll just have fun together! =)

"The angel said to the women, "Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples: 'He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.' Now I have told you." " ~Matthew 28